Charisma Will Open Doors
by VikingsDoItBetter
Summary: A tough case sends a detective to be alone with his thoughts...but can he finally let the one person that cares the most about him in? EK. FINISHED!
1. Default Chapter

A/N: This is my first fan fic ever…so be gentle. LOL. I got inspired to write this during "Charisma." I just wondered what would have happened if everyone's favorite blue-eyed detective could just open up about his job, just once. Since this episode takes place before "Doubt," perhaps all the drama could be avoided. If you don't like Kathy…too bad, she seems to make him happy.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of them…..too bad for me. But now that I think of it, Dick Wolf must have a million claims for people who would LOVE the rights to Elliot.

Spoilers: Pieces of Charisma.

Elliot POV

"Let him go."

Yeah, sure. Let me go. I swear, Huang gets off on seeing me like this. Taking me off the job, just to get in my head. God, I wanna throw this sick bastard in jail, not sit around and talk about my feelings! And….is this the LONGEST elevator is history…god, how many floors…THANK YOU.

Smile and nod. Smile and nod. That's right boys; I'm apparently more crazy than they all had thought. Me, one of the best special victims detectives in this city, well in my own opinion anyways. Even took my gun. Right, like I would even consider anything like that. I've got more to live for than to just end it. But God help me, grant me the wisdom to make sense of this…this…mess.

Well, ground at last…out the door, back to Queens. At least traffic won't be so awful and I'll have the house to myself, for a little while anyways. Geez! Did it get colder out here or is it just me? Oh, nothing like this city to make you really wish you could be somewhere else. There are some real freaks…freaks the kill innocent children…someone else's children…stop! Don't. Just…get in the car and drive.

Home. Everyone will be home soon and if I remember correctly, Maureen will be over for dinner, complete with a new boyfriend to torture. Kathleen will be rolling her eyes, complaining….Dickie will be bugging Lizzie, just because he can. Boy after my own heart. And Lizzie….STOP!

Why can't I just make that go away? All I keep seeing is MY precious baby…there…in that, that hell. Oh, damn it all…no holding back now, don't worry…no one will see you sobbing in your car. Phone…..thought I turned it off….who…great. THAT'S who I wanna hear from.

"sniffle Yeah?"

"El, are you okay? I called to see if you'd be home at a decent hour and they said you were sent home…"

"Kath. I'm fine. And I'd be willing to bet I'm going to be home before you."

I hate her long pause. She can see right through me…I bet she knows I've been crying. "What happened? It must have been really awful…Oh, God. Olivia?"

"No. No. She's…okay. Let's just say I've got a whole week off to straighten it out. I don't wanna talk about it right now."

"Okay…but promise me you WILL talk about it."

"Kath…come on…."

"No, Elliot. I know you. And you know that I'm here for you alright? You just don't think I can handle it."

"To be honest. I don't think I can." How about that….just came right out.

"….must be pretty terrible. sigh Well, I won't push you, but if you need to talk…"

"You're right there."

"Yeah, I'm that lump in the bed beside you. Listen, I've gotta go…oh, remember Maureen is bringing Jason, her new boyfriend, over for dinner. I'll brief you on him once I get home."

"Kathy. I know it's been weird lately…but, I love you. Don't forget it." Huh, why'd I say that….but it must be true….

"I know. I love you, too. We'll work it out…somehow. I really have to go sweet-heart. Bye."

"Bye."

I hate not telling her…but I don't want her to hurry and leave work just to be my shoulder to cry on. But, the night hasn't even begun. Guess I should get going before I look suspicious.


	2. Home early

Elliot POV

A/N: I know it's been awhile…but here goes…..

Traffic not too bad my ass! People in this city suck. I must be the only intelligent driver in this place. Oh well, you know, it feels good to be home in the middle of the day. Strange, but good. Ah, the couch. It has been my bed more often than I have wished in the past few months. Kinda odd. So are the looks on my children's faces when I try and explain it away.

"Didn't want to wake your mother," or "too tired to climb the stairs." Yeah, it's pathetic. I don't think Kathleen's buyin', but the twins are just young enough not to question it. Maybe Lizzie more so than Dickie. Ah! There's that thought again. Please God, make _this_ go away…..

Saved by the bell! Hmm, phone calls being a saving grace. Weird.

"Hello?"

"Elliot? I'm glad to hear your voice. I was concerned when you left this afternoon."

Oh God, condescending ass, George Huang. "Called to gloat Doc? Haven't you done enough for one day?" I really hate how he seems to think he knows me. Please, I'm good if I can just keep that image at bay. Might as well get comfortable. He's going to talk for a LONG time.

"I understand you're upset with having to take leave…."

"NO! You _made_ me take leave."

"I also understand that you need someone to blame. Elliot, you have to get this out. You need to let it go. Have you even shed a tear for these victims?"

No use lying now, Stabler. He'll bust you for sure. "Actually, yes. I have. Right before I drove home." Wow, easy again. I see that his silence confirms his shock.

"That's…a big step. At least you've felt something. But I need to be honest with you, when we talked, I felt that something deeper is troubling you. Just be honest with me. The sooner you do, the sooner you can get back to work."

Yes, Dr. Huang. I've been sleeping on the couch for about three months. I actually haven't even had sex with my wife for….can hardly remember…anniversary…had to be. I can see the pain in her eyes, like she's the victim. Oh my God, that's just it. I made her one…a victim of my cold. "Kathy and I are….we…I don't know what we are…"

"We'll discuss it. But my first piece of advice. Don't shut her out of your work. She'll understand. She's your wife."

"Part of the package, or so she says." Well, look at that. My solidarity has ended…Kathy? She left work….early even? She's really worried…"Listen, Doc. Kathy's home from work…"

"I know. She called the office after she talked to you. No one told her anything. She really cares and loves you Elliot. But, we need to meet…tomorrow around ten a.m.?"

"That'd be fine." Nothing like an early head shrinking.

"Take care of yourself Elliot. Good-bye."

Damn….now to face the harder part.


	3. Busted

A/N: I got inspired…so here's chapter 3. And you sometimes have to use your imagination with this story. I know, work..…Please R&R!

Kathy POV

God. Look at him. He looks so tired. The sadness in his eyes. I love eyes those eyes, which leads those lips, and those arms, those abs….GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF! Hmm, wonder who he was talking to?

"Hey sweetie. Who was that?" Ahh, the couch. Has served us in a pinch before. I know he's been sleeping here and not waiting for me either. Is he avoiding me?

"Dr. Huang. I have to meet with him."\

"Are you okay? El, stay…sit down, talk to me." He's troubled. It must be awful. The weight on him. Just touch him, I mean, you _are_ married to the man.

"This case today Kath. It was so…"

Oh my God, he's just sobbing. My poor baby. I can't take this. That's right baby. Let me hold you, take care of you. It so strange to feel him practically collapse in my arms. His sobbing, this "case" must be horrific. "Tell me. Please. Let me know, Elliot."

"I can't. Not now. I'm just not ready to tell you anything. Later, I promise. Look, all I know right now is I love you, and I just wanna be ready to tell it all."

"I love you too and I can see in those big blue eyes that this is big. Well, I guess I need to get started on…"

Wow, this is nice. Tired to get up and he pulls me back to kiss me. Us. Kissing, like we used to. No kids, no one to stop us. Why am I suddenly feeling like my parents should bust in on us? So funny I would think that. I don't want this to end. Does he know what I've been thinking about? Is this is just a vain attempt…Okay…nothing "attempt" about this. I've wanted this for a long time now.

I know that look in his eyes. The pain, seems to be gone, replaced by….desire, passion….oh Elliot. How could I think that you don't want me? Holy Mother forgive me for doubting him….okay, something I have to know.

"Not to, um, spoil things here but what brought this on?"

"So now I'm not allowed to enjoy my wife? I think not."

Ouch! Why does he always have to play so rough! "Easy killer. I'm fragile." Smooth, real smooth.

"Alright, gentle it is."

Oh, sneaky. Always with the neck….it's my weakness and he's exploiting that. He knows me all too well, all of me. _sigh_ This is so right.

"Hey, keep it down woman. You'll make the neighbors think one of us is having an affair."

"Don't be silly. You know as well as I do they're both stone deaf. I can be as loud as I want to." Oh, good one. He LOVED that. Now this right here is why I love this man.

Making out on the couch like teenagers in the middle of the day. God, this is what marriage is supposed to be like. He's sooo good at this, doesn't even break his stride to take off my shirt. I love the way he looks at me, makes me feel like….well, like I haven't had four kids. Man, he's just taking me all in…too bad it's not the other way around. Time just stands still…..oh, what could you possibly need to say?

"Kathy, let me make love to you."

Uh, OKAY! "How can I say no to you?" Almost why we got married in the first place. But, I'm glad I am. You're a great friend…and an even better lover.

"You can't, never could. But for now…I'll settle for moans, sighs, followed up with screams of "Oh God yes."

He's so good. Oh here, Elliot, let me help you with that zipper. That's right…it's time for me to get what I want….time? Hmm, wonder what time it is….

"Mom? Dad?"

Wonderful. Kathleen…always a little earlier than expected. I think we've got explaining to do…now, where is it?

"Mom…your shirt."

"Right thanks." Busted, big time.


	4. Discovery

A/N: Okay…I realize that some of this chapter seems…maybe unlikely, but I'm assuming that kids really do grow up faster than we'd think. Also, I have NO clue how old the twins would be…so, let's assume 13(even thought I could be wrong)

Elliot POV

Well, that was just plain bad timing. But thank God it was Kathleen. The twins like to take their timing coming in. I didn't really want to leave it off here. Shame she's gotta hide that body underneath those clothes. _sigh_ Shirt's back on, guess that means we're done.

"I do believe our cover is blown."

"You could say that. Well, can I get a delay? We could pick this us later tonight…."

"MOM! PLEASE!"

"Kathleen….oh, I'll talk to her. Keep her head from flying off into space."

Ah, Kathy the peacemaker. Makes me almost jealous of her relationship with all our girls…but I guess that would be weird with me. Maureen and I have made strides, and we've become closer in recent years…but Kathleen has always been a bit of a mystery to me. Still trying to figure her out…oh, there they are. Those two really have a talent for killing time.

"Hey, how was school?"

"Daddy? You're home! You're NEVER home!"

Lizzie, always so happy to see me….probably because I'm never home. She's almost too big to hop in my lap, and not squash me. This is a strange age…not really a child…not really a teenager either. Just like…ah, ah, ah…just get that image out of you head now Stabler. Just be glad to have her in your arms and to hold her. But, something's up…Dickie hasn't said one word…time to go to work…

"Good to see you too, sweetheart, but neither of you answered my question."

Wow, look at him flop down in the chair. He looks so much like me, it isn't even funny. But he's definitely upset about something…I know that upset look, that's my look.

"It was fine, okay? Happy now?"

"Not really. How was it really…you can tell me…"

"NOTHING is wrong. It was school. I went, they gave me homework, and then I left. Good now?"

He's a bad liar. He wouldn't make a good criminal, but all my kids are bad liars.

"Yeah, I'm not buyin'. What happened?"

"Do you have question me like that? God, your such a cop. I didn't DO anything."

Well, if he won't tell me…Lizzie, always a good informant.

"Ask me Daddy. I know!"

"YOU PROMISED! Dad, she's full of it….don't listen to her."

"Here, you and Mommy are supposed to read this. At least that what he says."

"Dad. It's nothing."

"I'll decide that after I examine the evidence for myself, huh."

Hey, I've gotten plenty of these in my day. He looks worried…let's see what he's so worried about. Usual stuff….here we go, huh….that is interesting.

"He was kissing! I saw him and his girlfriend!"

"SHUT UP LIZZIE! Tattle-tale…you know what happens to tattle-tales?"

"Alright, enough. Both of you. Lizzie, baby, go do some of that homework I know you have lots of."

"Promise you'll call me down as soon as Maureen gets here."

"Promise."

It feels so wonderful just to hug her, and that little kiss she gives me before she leaves makes me remember the truth. This won't last forever. Maureen wasn't much older than her when…well, she wouldn't do that anymore. _sigh _My kids are getting older….but I guess I've got something to discuss with my getting older son.

"Dickie. Just tell me what went on. This doesn't sound like you're in serious trouble; looks like they just want to keep us informed."

"IT was…"

"Nothing. I know. Come on, I know what having a girlfriend's like."

"You don't understand, you can't…."

"Just try me. I was your age once…"

"Yeah, like a hundred years ago."

"Two-hundred, thank you. Tell me." Ha, I remember the first time I got in trouble for kissing a girl…perhaps I shouldn't have done it during mass…

"Okay…first of all, you and Mom know her parents and her. They go to church with us…O'Connell. Her name's Faith."

Playing the church card early…. "So, it's someone that your mother and I wouldn't mind you hanging out with."

"Yeah, and she's really really hot!"

You are truly my son, never mind details…Just that she's good looking. "And?"

"AND she's a cheerleader. And she's smart, funny…and besides Dad, if I'm gonna play basketball, I can't just date anybody."

"Hey, I know the rules. Believe me. And it gets more complicated as you get older."

"Hey Dad…you and Mom ever get caught…you know…making out?"

Actually, son. Yes. Just a few minutes ago. "A few times. But mean, when we were in school? Yeah, we did."

"Well, see, they caught us hiding in one of the janitor's closets. We just wanted to kiss, that's all, I swear. But I guess we kinda lost track of time and didn't realize class started. So, they went looking for us. And Lizzie was helping…and she found us."

I shouldn't be laughing, but I know this story. Kathy and I have been caught in our fair share of closets. "I'm sorry. It's just, well, I've been there before. Go on."

"Well, now, I just fell so…."

"Guilty?"

"Yeah, that's it. I didn't think we were doing anything wrong. But I feel like, I don't know….I need to be forgiven…but…but kissing isn't a sin is it? And should I feel sorry…'cause maybe I don't…."

Guilt and endless questions. What does the Church do to all of us? "It's not a sin, unless you let it take control of you. And it's worse to say you're sorry for something you're not.

Look I'm not mad at you okay? Just…surprised, that's all. You're just getting older faster than I would expect. I'll make you a deal. Promise me that you and Faith will try and control yourselves and I'll spare your mother the details."

"Do you have to tell Mom? Can't you just…let it slip your mind?"

Nice try. "Son, lesson number one about women: they know everything, regardless of whether or not you tell them. And if you don't tell them, they have ways of making you talk."

"You think she'll be mad?"

"Nah, she was young once, too. Now, homework…we'll call for you two."

Okay…he still hugged me. But all too soon he'll be too old for that. Hell, he's already too old for that. I'm just glad…no, Stabler…those kids were different. No, they ARE like your kids. Except no parents. Oh Lord, just give me the wisdom to make sense of all of this. Speaking of making sense….wonder if Kath needs with an explanation.


	5. Defuse

A/N: Another day, another chapter….just kinda get in the mood, and I can't stop writing. And as you may have noticed…I like writing with POV's… not sure why…maybe I just like to feel like the character of something. Hehe

Kathy POV

Oh Kathleen. Burying your anger, in helping.

"Kat, you don't have to help me with dinner you know. I can fix it myself."

"No. I do. I think you were a little distracted with dessert."

Wow….got me there. She's so quick witted, but then again, it was pretty obvious. Gotta get this done anyhow, before Maureen and Jason get here…oh, both daughters to tag team….need to defuse this ticking time bomb…

"Kathleen…we were just…"

"I know what you were JUST doing. I'm seventeen, not dumb."

Just remain calm, you can talk your way through this. But on the up side, she's really helping me out here…she's going to be a good cook, probably a good wife, someday…

"_Well_, since you're seventeen I guess that means that I can talk to you like an adult then."

"Sure."

"So, what's the big deal then? That's what married couples do."

"Get freaky in the living room? I sit on that couch too you know. So, you guys took off work to have sex in the living room! Come home…no kids…no one else around. Not busy, you need each other. _belch_ So, you get here…get involved, lost track of time. You are soooo lucky it was me and not the twins that bust up your little love fest."

She needs to stop doing that. Talking about putting together evidence just like her father. I bet she'd be a great police officer, or lawyer. BUT she is lacking one major detail.

"Kathleen. Your father was sent home early. I don't know why, he hasn't said, but he's been very upset…"

"Oh God. Is 'Livia okay?"

"No. no. He assured me that she's fine. I was worried about him so I got a friend to cover the rest of my shift and I came home. I was trying to comfort him and one thing led to another."

Oh Thank God…Elliot to the rescue! Save me, please. Oh, or hug me. That's good, too. Hey buddy! Watch those hands!

"DAD! So disgusting. I think I need some therapy for this."

Well, say something. I need to finish this….

"You're telling us that you've never considered the fact that we still are…"

"Getting freaky? Yeah…as a matter of face, I've heard before…thanks Mom."

Whoops. Guess I get a little carried away. Note to self: be more careful. El, back off…oh, interested are we? What now….don't whisper in my ear….I don't know if I can handle it

"_you are a screamer Kath."_

OH! I will SO be taking advantage of that continue later.

"Sorry Kat. Look, I think I can handle this, and I've got something to discuss with your father."

"I get it. But if you two get to "involved" Maureen and what's his name will get the show. Behave Dad."

Like it's all him…smart girl. "She knows you're the bad seed." Oh, that smile. So he's thinking about that continue too.

"Yeah, yeah. Hey, I've got something to discuss about _ our_ son."

Must be something…bet it's good. "You going to share…I've got to keep working here."

"The school sent him home with this nice little letter, telling us that our son and his girlfriend had a little adventure in a closet."

Girlfriend?…Oh, her. "Faith? I knew about that…but adventure huh?"

"Yeah. Apparently they hid in a closet, lost track of time, and were busted by Lizzie. Usual bit, they got a speech and letters."

"Sounds familiar. Well, are we mad about it?"

If you say yes, I swear….

"No, just keeping your informed. He's actually very embarrassed about it all."

Informed….crap! "That reminds me. I promised to tell about Jason. Maureen's new boyfriend that's coming over…"

"Yes, flavor of the month. I need intel, gives me something to fire with."

"Flavor of the month? Come on…be nice."

"Well, Kath….that girl has had more boyfriends than I own shoes alright?"

"Fair enough. Just don't call him that in front of her. Can't have her and Kathleen pissed off at us."

"Alright…so out with it. What do you know?"

"Well, he's 23, and according to her…and I quote, hazel eyes to die for, killer abs and powerful quads. Don't give me that look, I'm just repeating what she said. Anyways, he's just starting law school…"

"An attorney huh? Didn't see that one comin'."

"Yeah….then you're going to LOVE this. He wants to be a defense attorney. You know, thinks everyone's good at heart." Watch that jaw clench up…damn, he's displeased to say the least. "El, don't start. Um, the only other thing I know is they met at a church close to campus."

"Explains the everyone's good mentality."

"Elliot. Not everyone sees the sick people you see. Not everyone can see those women whose lives are destroyed. And I can't imagine what it's like to see the children. I wouldn't be able to separate the images of the victims from our children."

I can't do it at work either. Sometimes when I see a sick child…a dying child…all I can see is our babies.

"No, you can't. It's…it makes you wonder. Wonder why God would let anything like that happened to innocent children. Children that never hurt anyone…"

Oh God. That's it. Something with kids. Maybe if I just sit in his lap…wrap my arms around him, maybe it'll help.

"Elliot. Just tell me, please. I know this hurts you. Just, let me in."

Just talk to me…you can't be strong all the time.


	6. Phone Call

Elliot POV

Dammit Stabler, get it together. I know she just wants to help but, not now. I have to push her way, not 'cause I want to, but I just can't.

"Kathy, I promise we'll talk about it later. Please. I _can't_ right now. Because….I'm afraid of what I see. And I don't want to scare you, too."

"I'm here. Just let it out."

The way she holds me, kisses my forehead. Even the tone of her voice. Just like when the kids used to have nightmares. She's a great mother. She knows I can't keep this in.

"Baby, let's just forget it now okay? Maureen's gonna be here soon….and I've got a future attorney to make squirm."

She let's go, finally. "Fine. But you won't feel any better bashing Jason."

That's right, back to work…I know she's mad at me.

"I know…but can't you just let me think it will."

Alright….back to the couch. The phone. Christ Elliot. Jus call her, tell her you're okay. She'll wanna know…just do it. Hey, maybe I'll feel better….it'll be good to hear her voice.

"Benson. Special Victims."

"Glad I could catch you."

"Elliot? Oh thank God, I tried to call but…"

She sounds so relieved, maybe even tired…upset. "I know, I was busy. I just wanted to tell you that I was alright." And… "And umm, _cough_, I'm in leave…for at least a week. I, uh, have to meet with Huang, until he thinks I'm less crazy." That's a polite chuckle, she's on to me.

"Elliot, look. I know you hate this. Makes you think that everyone will see you as weak, and not that hard ass you want to be. Let me tell you, we don't. You've been taking care of everyone else so much recently, you've not been taking care of yourself."

Let her know you are then, moron… "Well, I got to thinking about those kids…and I, umm, cried a bit." Quiet…she's shocked. I like stunned silence. "That all I gotta do to shut you up Benson?"

"Elliot. Seriously, it's good for you. Means you at least are letting some of it out."

Makes me smile to keep her calm. "Liv, I'm…I'm going to talk to Kathy about all this tonight, after dinner. Maureen and her new boyfriend…Jason, I think, are coming over for me to torture."

I can almost see her smile. "Well, at least you'll have everyone home tonight. You need it. I know you didn't call to chat. So, here's what I can tell you…Abraham didn't shoot them. Twenty-year-old female was the shooter, them then herself. So, we've got some serious work to do. I hate to go but…"

"You've got a perp to collar." Do it Liv, bring this monster down, hard.

"Me and Munch. Yeah, so…uh, don't hesitate to call."

"Thanks Liv." Hmm, almost feels like I'm talking to my sister. "Oh and uh, don't let Munch sell you on any of his half-cocked theories. Sorry you're stuck with him."

There's that laugh. "Yeah, me too. Bye Elliot."

"Bye." I needed that. And low, a knock at the door. Must be time for dinner. Oh what the hell… "I'll get it"

"Maureen, baby girl. Good to see you…and you must be Jason. Come on in." My stare make him uncomfortable. Good, very good.

"Daddy, take it easy on this one okay? Just this once."

"Well, I won't promise anything…but I'll try."

"Hey, I like this one. And he's got plans. Unlike the rest of the losers I've had."

"Got a point."

"Hey Dad? You alright….you look kinda tired. Rough day…more perverts and sickos than usual?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Okay…well, take it easy old man. You'll give yourself an ulcer."

"Got 'em already thanks. Hey, go save him from your mother huh."

Kiss on the cheek. Always gonna be my baby. Maybe she knows that. Well, time to call the troops…and let the games begin.


	7. Dinner Conversation

Spoilers: Shaken…which btw, my favorite SVU episode of all time.

Elliot POV

Look at him, so smug. Even that smile makes my skin crawl. Kathy at least seems to be interested in whatever he's jabbering on about…or pretending to be interested. How polite. Oh, Maureen is absolutely taken by him. Eh, maybe it's love. Kathleen won't even look up at me, fantastic. Dickie's keeping pretty quiet. And Lizzie looks like she's ready to explode. Those eyes, so full of life…..not like that little girl….stop…just go back to what's his face boring us to death….

"So, Mr. Stabler….I hear you're a cop."

Cop. Cop, that word…sounds so condescending. "I'm a _detective_, with the Special Victims Unit. But you can dumb it down and say cop, sure. Oh and call me Elliot." Play time. Kathy, don't gimmie that look….I love this part.

"Right, Elliot it is. So, you investigate sex crimes, abuse, that sort of sick thing?"

What's he getting at. "You got it. So, what do you wanna know? Not exactly good dinner conversation…"

"Well, I bet you question and, what's the term, collar….lots of innocent people?"

"Jason. Back off. Not wise." Maureen, coming to the rescue. That's right sweetie. Spare him from the slaughter.

"No Maureen. It's fine. And the term is collar. Done your homework. Inspiring really. And I don't collar innocent people. I collar rapists, pedophiles, and abusive boyfriends….girlfriends….husbands….wives….what have you."

"But aren't they all innocent until proven guilty?"

What a scumbag. "No…because I have the evidence to prove their guilt. And if they would just confess, it would make my job a lot easier. But no, they just get a call some scumbag attorney, who tries to get them off on same lame ass excuse, like their parents didn't love them…my daddy hates me. Some crap like that."

"Isn't really crap if a jury buys it? I don't think…"

"See, there's your problem. Right there."

"_cough_ Like I was saying….I don't think it's crap. But really…I know what pisses you of…the fact that someone would buy it. Look, those people have rights too."

Nail his ass to the wall. "Yeah, actually. The right to remain silent. That anything they say can and will be used against them in a court of law. They have the right to an attorney. In the event they cannot afford one, one will be appointed to them. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you….Jason." Wow, I'm so hateful, but he deserves it. "Innocent people, huh. The only people innocent in all of it, are the victims."

"You say that a lot, don't ya Dad?" Maureen, trying to cut the tension.

"More often than I want to, baby girl. And sometimes, I do feel for the people. I'm not heartless. There was this woman, lost her husband, and her daughter was in a coma. Turns out she, um, had shaken her daughter, Lucy, so hard that….Lucy died from it. _ sigh _I understood her frustration, a screaming child, drives you crazy."

"Amen." Thanks, Kath. You above ALL know.

"But, I had to arrest her. Lucy was only being kept alive because of life support. We, meaning the courts, finally convinced her to let Lucy go. I prayed for the woman. Lord knows she needed."

"I can't say that if I was in her place, my child lying there, I would have an easy time…letting go. I'm sure she appreciated the thought El." Me too Kath, but if you only knew.

"Geez Dad. That's awful. So, she lost her husband, accidentally killed her baby out of frustration, and now she's in jail for the rest of her life. Huh. I just guess I don't get people that hurt their own kids you know?"

She couldn't…nah. It's just guilt Stabler. She was WAY too young. Look at that face, how could I…guess I'll always think that.

"Kids will make you crazy. You, my dear, were a handful."

"I'll say. Maybe it was because you were our first." Thanks, major points for the you tonight, Kathy. Damn, she is amazing. Each time I look at her, I fall in love with her all over again. Wonder if anyone has noticed that smile on my face….

"Ewww, DAD! Quit it! I know what you're thinking." Apparently Kathleen has.

"Oh, so now just looking at your mother means something more?"

"Yeah, it does!" Wow, she really is pissed. Guess it really makes her feel uncomfortable.

"Kathleen, right?"

"Yeah it is turd bucket…what?"

HAH!….Turd bucket…damn…oh, he has something to say.

"Yeah….I'm going to ignore that. But what I was gonna say is that your parents are obviously and hopelessly in love. Love makes you act…different."

First smart thing he's said all night. You know, it's nice to hold her hand and just okay…after what's gone on today. Look at that guy…I see the way he looks at Maureen…keep it up jerk-wad…I'll rip out your eyeballs and feed them to you.

"Oh yeah? Well…."

"Kathleen…that's enough."

"Oh no Dad. Everyone needs to know….Well, we I arrived home from school, I found my obvious in love parents on the couch….together…"

Every eye in the room is on us. Suddenly I don't feel so comfortable myself. Maureen has an evil grin. Uh oh….I have the look…can't be good.

"Nice, Kat. So, you busted Dad and Mom getting "all friendly" on the couch! Hope you kept her quite Dad…I remember this one time when I was about seven or so…"

"Oh Maureen! Stop…I'm trying to keep my food down."

Wasn't that bad Kat. Geez.

"So that's why Daddy had lipstick on his face when I jumped on his lap!" Thanks Lizzie…well Son? Got something to add?

"That's what you meant! Makes sense! Huh, now you know what me and Faith felt like!"

Traitor. But, well, Maureen looks confused…

"His girlfriend, Faith and he were discovered in a closet today."

"Aww, that's so cute. So, is she totally hot? 'Cause I know you said you only wanted to date hot chicks?"

"Can I go now? I don't want to talk about it." And he's off. No words…just marches up stairs. He's got my temper. Could be bad.

"I'll go talk to him. I'll make him laugh." Sweet girl, Lizzie. Always good…loves her brother.

Back to me then. "Well, I guess that leaves us adults to chat then."

"OH! I GET IT!" Kathleen, the drama queen. Not her nickname for nothing.

"Kat, sit down. Your father was including you." Man, another one. She's on a roll. But something else is up with her…I can see it. Something's up….maybe someone will get to it…

"So, Kat, what about Nick? I haven't heard you even mention him." Maureen, nice…forgot about her boyfriend. She changes them about as often as you do…oh, the boyfriend…wait, oh, that one. He's a sleeze…great.

"Nick? Great. He's just freakin' peachy!" Now I know something's going on. She worships that boy. Practically need a bucket to catch the drool.

"He looked REAL happy last I saw him today. But then again he was laughing at me."

Happy? Almost like he was doing something wrong….with someone else…it has to be. Oh well…what's the worst that could happened. "Kat, he was with some other girl wasn't he…and you probably think he has been for awhile now. And it seemed like everyone could see it but you. Only, you found it out the hard way. You saw him with her didn't you?"

Look at her…I must be right. Either that or I'm really losing it.

"With _her_? Oh yeah. With her in a biblical sense. _sniffle_ And all he could say was "what…had to get it somewhere baby cakes."

"Kat…I'm sorry, but…"

"God, Dad. Way to go uber cop! Why do you have to do that all the time? Put it all together? Ah, you're ruining my life!" And she's off….I know that hurt her. Hurt her more, and now I'm responsible for some of that pain. But on the plus side…got some other idiot to threaten.

"Another dinner, another Kathleen hissy fit. She's always don't that. Don't worry….oh wow, we need to get going. Jason's got some papers to write."

Oh and leave the fun. Papers to write…more like study anatomy. Little bastard probably knows every square inch of her….she's under his spell. I can see it. That scares me. I bet she'd kill for him. Hey…I'd kill him for her…somehow I don't think that would go over well.

"Come on, I'll see you two out." Probably need to steam clean that chair. Better yet…let's burn it. She likes him, but he's still worthless.

"Thanks for being on your best behavior Daddy." Maureen, my sweet baby. You have know idea how good it feels just to have you hug me. Oh, that's a lovely hickey….man, well, I suppose if that's all you got. "Take care of yourself old man, okay?"

Why does everyone keep saying that? "Sure thing." Now…to make my day. "Jason. A word." This is the best part. Oh, look….he's terrified.

"Elliot. Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I just want you to know where I stand. I really care about Maureen. She's a beautiful woman. You and your wife did a great job raising her. She's the greatest woman I've ever met. And just know that I would NEVER do anything to hurt her."

Wow, how about that? Little slime-ball has a heart. "Let's just make this clear. You break her….and, I swear to God, I will rip the heart from your chest and show it to you. Get me?"

"Yes sir. Crystal clear. And I hope to never break anything about Maureen."

As much as I want to hate him, I can't. "See you around Jason. You're always welcome here." Shake hands…close the door. God, I feel like I need a shower…oh well, back to more pleasant things.


	8. Can of Worms

Spoilers: Charisma

Kathy POV

God, dishes everywhere. This housewife crap is so overrated. Okay, I'll just move them to the sink and then make the twins earn their keep. Oh, hello beautiful…again with the kissing on the neck….

"So…Jason?"

"I don't hate him. Loathe….oh yeah, loathe is definitely the word."

"Because he is possibly in love with your daughter?" Get right to it there. But he is thinking about it.

"I think so. And that really scares me. I know what love can do to your judgment…thought processes…controls. Leads to some mistakes, regrets sometimes."

You mean _us_ don't you? You mean to say that _love_ makes you regret being with me. And that Maureen could be a mistake? Wow, that really hurts…It must be all over my face…but I can't hide it.

"Oh, Kath. I didn't meant it like that."

"Oh you meant…that you get caught up real fast and then, "stuff" happens, and in that time your life can change." Oh, how I hate to be right. I need air….now. Oh, and the dishes done.

"LIZZIE! DICKIE! Down here now….you've got dishes to do!"

Just pull it together. Don't let them see your tears. Oh, Elliot. Saying your sorry, kiss and make up…it's not gonna be that easy. It feels like I've been kicked in the chest with steel toed boots. Oh…did they get lost…."I MEANT NOW YOU TWO!…Oh, El…please. That was really….painful. Just…."

I can see the sorry in his eyes. God, and so much else I can see there. So much I'm still in love with. Oh why can't I just hate him?

"Kath, please. Now who's shutting who out?"

_Am _I shutting you out? What's one night compared to being out for the better part of a decade? Oh…thank God…twins to the rescue.

"Alright. Make sure you get the them clean. Then off to bed. Get me?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Smart kids, always know to push it. I wanna watch them, maybe so I don't have to face those eyes. Maybe…yeah. Outside. Okay…it's cold out but that should make for a shorter conversation. This swing. We've sat out here, cuddling too many times to count. Like a little vacation. And remotely comfortable to sit here, now. God, just look at the stars. Beautiful. Really clear night…especially for New York. Wish I would have brought a jacket….or a blanket? Too sweet…

"Elliot…I just need…"

"A husband that's not a total ass. I really didn't mean it like that. You and the kids are the best thing to ever happened to me. I don't regret the first time. Never have. Kathy, you were my first and my only. And when I said forever, I meant it."

This is why I can't stay mad, he knows how to say he's sorry. And I know he means it. I just can't stay mad.

"No…I should be sorry. I'm just, I don't know…"

You know, his arms are the only place I feel safe sometimes. Oh, why am I crying?

"You're the one who needs someone to listen, not me. _sniffle_ But I guess I always make it about me huh?"

Well, that's fine. Just cry more….way to stay strong.


	9. Open Book

A/N: Sorry last chapter was so short…..but this one didn't really go with it.

Spoilers: Charisma

Elliot POV

I hate that I've hurt her so bad. I just….open mouth, insert foot.

"You don't. This…mess. It's my fault. I should be a better husband, a better father. I'm so sorry baby. Please, forgive me for being so short sighted."

I need to hold her more often….just like this, cradled like a child. All I can think to do is stroke her hair and hope to God she can forgive me for being me.

Look at those tears. I can't stand to see her in pain…and now, I know I can't hold anything back, not even the tears that are now streaming down my face. Screw it all. I need _this_. Her, I need her to know….I need to let her in.

"Elliot. I'm….I need to say something…"

"No. I need to get _this_ out." Let her in, that's what you need to do, that's what she's wanted for so long. "About this case today. They, uh, sent me home for at least a week…so say-eth psyc services, for at least that long." Well, that's a start.

"What did you see that would be so terrible?" Those eyes; eyes searching for what I don't want to say, or can't.

"It….it was so awful, Kath. You can't….you…just."

"Please, tell me. I can see the pain of this is eating you up. And it will destroy you from the inside if you hold it in."

She's right. I know she is. But…but if this is in my head, once it's in hers…she's more connected to all of those victims, all those children more so than I am. She's a mother…she's had children grow inside her…

"El, I'm stronger than you think."

Even now as she snuggles closer to my heart, I'm positive she can hear it breaking for each and everyone of those kids. _sigh_ Here goes nothing.

"A girl…was brought to the hospital. 30 weeks along. She's twelve Kath. And the doctor assured us it wasn't her first time at this particular circus, either. Liv went to check it out, I was buried in paperwork. The girl, Melanie, tells her that she's _married_ to Abraham. Twelve Kath, twelve. Anyway, Liv talks her out of her address, so we can arrest this freak. So she goes there, with a couple of uniforms. She called and I told her I'd be there in ten or so. While I was en route, she went to the door, several kids answer and this Abraham snake answers. Liv asks him to step outside…so she can arrest him. Funny right…we can't even arrest them in their own homes?"

She knows I'm avoiding it.

"Funny…like…they can rape children but you can't take them in unless they cross over their own threshold. But…that's not it, is it?"

Busted Stabler. Don't hold anything back, get it out…for once.

"No, it's not. So, uh, Liv's at the door. The guy refuses to come out. She walks back toward the car with the uniforms and they get shot at while their backs where turned. They ducked and heard even more gunfire."

She's terrified. "Was anyone…"

"No, no. They were all fun . But then they called for all of us, and then some. Munch, Fin, and I all go there about the same time and Liv brought us up to speed. I asked if anyone could make contact or tell us anything about this Abraham…but of course, no phone…and not even one complaint against him. We knew there were kids inside, and their safety was number one, so we needed to proceed with caution. Once we secured the area, we ordered the SWAT team in." Swallowing usually helps to swallow the tears, not today. "They go in quick…but then, immediately radio back for, uh, ESU…emergency services."

"Elliot….there's more. I'm okay, tell me."

Holding me now. Almost like she's holding me together….I hope when she gets nightmares, she asked for it.

"We, all of us, ran over to the building and the uniform we call Z, is on the steps, sitting…real shaken up. I don't even hear what he says. I go in. I know Liv, Munch, and Fin got my back." Okay…gotta keep it together long enough to let this out. "And then I….I, uh, notice the bodies."

"Bodies?"

"They're….all…kids. All sorts of…ages. So we start looking around. The guy's some sort of religious fanatic. Amongst the children's…bodies….we found Bibles…all sorts of passages written on the wall…"

Alright, let go of it. Sob like a baby if you gotta…doesn't make you weak.

"So, we look around, to see if he's still close by. We split off….looking was the worst part. There was a baby…a dead baby, Kath. Shot. Couldn't have been more than eight months old…I look and see a boy about Dickie's age…uh, Munch, even with all his background in homicide is disgusted…Fin just looks off, and Liv's nearly to the point of hysterical…"Deep breath. Get it out. "That's when I saw her."

"Her?"

"This little girl…was…she," breathe man, "she was wearing this shirt… Lizzie used to wear one just like it…like in the picture on my desk. I couldn't separate them….it was like….like her…there." No control now. Give in. Let her hold you.

"What did that girl ever do to anyone Kath? Nothing! And I can't even help her now! Why. Why would God allow this to happened?"

She's as dumbfounded as I am. "I. I don't know. We should…pray for all of them. Whatever good that'll do." I made her cry again. But those tears aren't all for those kids…I know some of them are for me.

"I ask for understanding. And that this bastard that rapes children and then has them executed be brought to justice." Now there's a confession. I want him dead and I want to do it. "I know we'll get him. But you know what really does it for me? I bet he told those kids…those terrified children that is was God's will for them to be murdered. Last time I checked…you shall not murder….still on the books. Real hard to sell that up."

She knows what I'm saying. And she's wants to admit she hates him. Instead, she just hold me in return. Keeping me close, keeping me calm.

"You know killing him won't make a difference. It won't bring any of those kids back."

"Yeah…but at least he couldn't hurt anyone anymore."

"How do you keep that sorta thing bottled up?"

Right to the point. I snuggle closer to her. "Dunno. I just think one of us need to sleep, that's all." She's not buying that.

"Elliot. This, thing. It's horrific. I can't even imagine seeing it. But you telling me; let's me know that you're dealing, not hiding. You have to tell me this stuff from now on. I can't take the not knowing. I have for ten years…but no more."

"Excuse me?" That's kinda odd, what's the subtext?

She whispers, like it's a big secret. More like so prying little ears won't hear. "I had finally convinced myself that if you couldn't talk to me THIS time that I was taking the kids and leaving. I just couldn't stand not knowing anymore, El. And I just couldn't take the screaming matches anymore. All I wanted was to know. "

Holy Mary….did she just say….that she was going to leave me?….wow….

"I tried to say I was leaving because I didn't love you anymore. I couldn't make myself believe that. It was because I wanted you to feel how I felt. Because I wanted to shut you out and make you hurt. And now. Now…..I'm sorry I even considered it."

I'm so….shocked. "Kathy…I don't know what to say."

"No, let me finish. You are a wonderful father, a great husband and a noble man. Any woman on this planet would be lucky to have you. Guess that makes me the luckiest woman on Earth. I've gotten used to your work…really, I have. Waking up alone. Being both parents at time. But I never minded. All I wanted was for you to just talk to me."

"I…just…didn't want to…I was worried you wouldn't be okay."

"Well, now that you've told me this…and I'm okay….you know that I will always be okay. And I'll always be there for you."

"I'm just sorry I couldn't give more."

"Don't be crazy. You've given me four beautiful children, but more than that, you gave me your heart. And I promised I would take care of it, mend it every time it breaks. I swore in front of God that I would be there to help you, always and forever. And I meant it. Still do. I love you Elliot Stabler, with all that I am. And don't you ever think something is so bad that you can't tell me…get me?"

I kiss her, like when were kids…which seems almost a lifetime ago. Crazy in love, sneaking off to just be with each other. God, I feel weightless, almost like if I wasn't holding on to her, I would float away. I know she feels the same. Hmm, speaking of moving and earth…wonder…go for it.

"Kinda chilly out…what do you say we go back inside to, uh, warm up?"

I know that sly grin. "Oh. So, I get my continue after all.."

"I need you. Plain and simple." How about that….I really do.

"And the continue isn't as important as showing you how much I really love you."

Her kiss is sweeter than usual, not that I mind. Geez, it IS freakin' cold! I hate fall, really I do.

"So. You plan on calling in sick?"

"Why? We'll be in bed early…" Was that a cheap shot?

"True, but I don't think we'll be going to sleep anytime soon" She can't resist me. Hey, I know! Wow, lighter than I remember. I haven't carried her to bed in ages.

"What about the kids?" Such a mom…

"They can take care of themselves. Now it's time we take of us."

Can't believe I almost screwed up the best thing I've ever had. I wouldn't be able to breathe without her and my kids. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't…couldn't have been. But speaking of screwed…I've got to take care of my needs, like everyone's been telling me to do ALL day.


	10. The Morning After

Thanks for the great reviews people! Keeps me going….

Next chapter….hope you enjoy it.

Elliot POV

Is it morning? Eh….5:17...morning enough. Look at her, she looks so…satisfied. That's my guess! I mean, not that I'm overly confident in my abilities, but she's smiling in her sleep. Don't wake up….just sleep baby. I know you're worn out, I know I am.

Okay…snuggle closer…without your hair in face if at all possible. But, I do love the way her hair smells, feels…and especially after a night like that. Ah, there much better. She looks so happy; stay in that dreamland, soon you'll have to wake up….get the kids rounded up for school….get them out the door….probably do some laundry, then off to work you go. Leaving me alone….dammit. I have see Huang today. That's enough to make me wanna stay right here….amongst other things.

I can't help but be amazed when I look at her. She is so beautiful. Even after a four kids…killer body. Wonder what she does to keep it that way? Still so fabulous…twenty years, and still she's still got the same smile that won my heart.

I've watched her sleep so many times, especially when I couldn't find sleep. I wonder what she dreams about? Funny, I'm sure some of this wasn't her dream. And it's mostly my fault. Some days, I almost regret being in Special Victims; it's made me distant.

God, I hope she doesn't dream like I do…not like it's entirely impossible. If she did, she'd see those broken souls…those women whose lives were destroyed either by death or violation that one should only have to imagine…and those children….just like the ones yesterday. I hope what I told her didn't haunt her dreams…and I'm even more sorry if it did. You know, I'm even more sorry for leaving her in the dark for so long. Must have been painful.

_Holy Mother…forgive me, for making her suffer in silence. Lady, you blessed me with her presence and I've taken her for granted. But I fear that in an attempt to pull her closer to me I may have introduced a whole new terror into her mind. Give her peace, the I know you can grant…give me peace as well. I need it. Amen._

I'm so sorry Kath. I kiss her on the forehead to maybe make myself feel better…but apparently, enough to wake her. Those eyes…they consume me…

"Morning gorgeous. " Big points…

"Morning handsome. Thank you." Wow, truly grateful.

"For?" As if I didn't know.

"For making me feel like your wife…friend, and lover. Not just Kathy Stabler, mother of four and housewife."

Damn, her kiss still has as much fire as it did last night. But she needs to lay off, or else round…uh, oh hell, I lost count.

"God, you're beautiful. I don't tell you that enough…but uh, it's early and you need to go back to sleep. Unlike some of us, you've got work to go to." Or just lay close to me. I'll keep you safe…warm…

"Actually, I think I'm gonna call in. I've got enough sick days I can take."

"Kathy. You don't have to stay here to take care of me." Really, I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself.

"Elliot. I want to. And besides, staying in bed with the man I love…too good to pass up."

Can't let her think it's gonna be all day. "I, uh, have to with Dr. Huang today…at ten…part of it." That was easy.

"That's okay, I'll come with. I know you don't want to do this, but I can see the hurt and pain in your eyes. I bet talking to him will help a lot. Elliot, he's not going to laugh at you…or will he share anything you tell him. You know that."

"Yeah I know. But it's just…weird."

"You're such a guy."

"Brilliant observation…hey, maybe you should be Detective Stabler!" OW….okay, not funny.

"No one will see you as weak…including me." Well, she's got my number today. Can't argue with that.

"Kids'll be up anytime now…and we definitely need to go back to sleep. Who knows what drama awaits us."

"No kidding. You do realize that we have to deal with Kathleen post break up and that, my dear will be a hell of a lot harder than any appointment."

"_sigh_ You got that right….think she'll talk? Or will she just accuse us of…"

"Getting freaky, as she said….El, accuse would mean that we're innocent."

I can feel that sly grin creep on her face and I can't help but do the same. I find myself staring blankly at the clock….5:21...are you serious…oh well, not that I've actually _been _to sleep. And to be quite honest…not sure I can. Oh, come on Stabler….you know they're all safe….BUT you need to see it for yourself.

Okay…one quick sweep then back to bed.

Look at her, already fast asleep. Still smiling though. I AM the man. Well, if it's one thing other than that I'm good at, it's getting out of bed without waking her. Okay, now where are….there we go. Pants are always a good option. Oh…bathroom, then a quick sweep, THEN bed.

AHHHH! Bright light…..lord, remind me to switch that bulb…seeing, that would be helpful. Alright….next…wow, look at that. Those are lovely teeth marks on my collar bone, verra nice….oh, and even nicer scratches on my back. A twinge painful, but worth it.

Alright…lights out…that amount of light could wake the dead.

I feel like I'm busting in on someone. Weird. I'll check Lizzie…she's a heavy sleeper. Look at my angel…so precious, so innocent. And that blonde hair, looks so much like her mother. Always is gonna be my baby…hey, I remember that teddy bear. She's had it ever since she was two. I guess if this is her way of holding onto innocence, so be it. There, she's safe….hopefully subsiding most of the major paranoia.

Next stop…the pit. I remember when we first put Dickie in his own room. He and Lizzie cried…and for the longest time, they'd wind up in the other's room. Twin thing still creeps me out, just a little.

Good lord, how does he walk in here? I guess you wade through the piles….and how does he tell what clothes are even clean….hmm, Febreeze…a novel idea…nah, that's still gross. Really have to make him clean this pit.

What are you holding boy? Hair ribbon….this must be Faith's. Kinda silly…but I guess hair ribbon is a pretty big deal for a cheerleader. Got that charm from me though….and sometimes, he's so much like me, it's scary. Hard to believe that they're thirteen.

And since he does have a girlfriend, it appears I need to have a serious talk with my son. But man to man….somewhere away from his mother and sisters, hard enough having to talk to your father about sex without drowning in an estrogen ocean.

Plus, no one disturb the conversation….or eavesdrop…oh, what do we have here…a picture? Wow, look at that face. He really likes her alright. But he's still a boy…my little boy…and my only son. No pressure kid to carry on the line….but, uh, no rush either.

Ha… he snores, wonder if Lizzie does? Never heard her…maybe it's from when he broke his nose….good possibility.

Oh, that's a cheerful sign Kathleen….."trespassing punishable by death." Well, too bad your room is in MY house, so TECHNICALLY, not trespassing.

Is she….she is…trying to sob quietly. But I know my daughter, can't be done. She hurts so bad….she needs me to kill that bastard….no, actually…she just needs me…

"Kat?…baby?….what's wrong?"

Tell daddy I'll fix it. No matter who I have to kill/maim/ threaten.


	11. Mending a Broken Heart

A/N: This kinda really goes with the last chapter…but that would make on HUGE chapter…oh, and there is some religious overtone this chapter. What do you want from me. hehe

To all my faithful (all three of you)…thank you, and here ya go!

Elliot POV

Look at her…she's been at it awhile. She looks so miserable. Probably crying off and on all night.

"Dad? Oh God, I'm sorry…did I wake you up? I didn't mean…"

"No, not at all. I couldn't sleep." Good cover. Just sit stupid….makes you look less like I liar. "Have you been awake all night….crying over…Nick?" Hope that's his name….have to make sure I shoot the right jerk-off.

"That's his name. And haven't been up _all _night. I cry myself to sleep…then I dream about him and that slut Harmony together, both of them laugh at me, then I wake up and start all over again. But you know, at YOU exposed my nightmare to everyone! I could have handled it all by myself but no…you had to go all uber cop and put it all together."

Kathleen, don't cry… "It breaks my heart to see you in so much pain."

"Save it Dad."

Alright, wanna play hard ball? One arm around her…come on Kat. Let me make this right. I can't take the amount of pain she's in. The way she drops her head to hide her face….how many times have I seen a victim do that…that's shame, maybe a little guilt.

"I'm so sorry Kathleen, for opening you up like that. And even more sorry that you were treated so horribly." Get her to just talk….cry…something. Pull her closer…"Please, just let it out. I'm here…I've got you."

Her crying is so violent, I have to fight back a few tears of my own. I would feel all this for her if I could. But I have to be strong for her. I can feel her cold tears run down my skin….a small price to pay for what she's going through.

"I….lo….ved….him….I….did. Why? Am…am I not….good enough….pretty…enough? 'Cause Harmony's not exactly ugly. She's….she's WAY more pretty than me. Everyone at school thinks she got a boob job…how do I compete with that? I don't have any boobs!

Oh God….girls….wait…who the hell gets their seventeen year old a boob job anyway?

"But….she's way hot. God, I'm ugly…that's it! I know it is."

Baby, no way. Girl's probably just willing to give it away. Oh, what do I say. I need the right words…and the strength to mend her broken heart.

"Kathleen. You're a beautiful girl."

"You're…just saying that because you're…my dad."

"Not at all. And I can prove it. You know all those pictures I keep of you guys on my desk right?" A nod, good. "Well, I usually have to remind many a young uniformed officer that you are only seventeen and more importantly, MY daughter. Practically have to mop the drool off the floor."

"Really? Even that cute Irish type with those gorgeous eyes and even hotter ass?"

Did my daughter just say that? Reminder: keep her away from the station house as much as humanly possible.

"Kiplihan? About 6'4"….dark hair…yeah? He's the biggest offender." Smooth. "This Nick idiot doesn't know what he's missing. He's just looking to satisfy his lust, not his heart. He might have said he loved you…but no man in his right mind would do anything like that to a woman he truly loved."

"um…Dad…and don't freak out okay…I need to tell you this."

Uh oh…can't be good. "I'll do my best. But, uh, I don't want to wake anyone. So, shoot." Just stay calm no matter what she says. Do NOT upset her.

She nervous. "I would have done ANYTHING for Nick. I still would. Just being with him, kissing him, touching him, made me crazy. Like I couldn't think straight. Like my brain wouldn't work, you know?"

"Like nothing is real. But all you know for is that it all feels right. Yeah, that's love alright."

A smile, thank God. "Yeah. But…here's what might totally make you flip. I don't know how to say it…"

"Don't be afraid…just say it."

"Okay. Well, it's just that….I really cared for him…loved him ,thought he loved me. I was all ready to…uh, have sex with him."

I could die…right now. You could kick me in the face and I will still be sitting here, stunned.

"I knew just wanting to was wrong. But I wanted him, needed him. I needed to show him how much I loved him."

No, now I'm sure. I've been shot. I'm….numb. "Okay. Go on." Don't shy away from me, I've got you…tight.

"I really had to work up the courage and I kept telling him I wanted to, but I just wasn't ready….but soon. He said he understood and he would make it perfect…like flowers and candles perfect."

Oh Kat. I pray your first time will be that perfect.

"And that perfect evening was supposed to be last night. I was gonna tell Mom that I was going to my friends Jackie's to spend the night…some huge test to study for. And I would have been smart enough to be at her house, I mean, they do have that nice pool house that Jackie stays in."

"You knew we'd check it out. Hey, at least you're honest." Again with the tears. I'm sorry this dickweed breathes the same air she does.

"Dad, you're uber cop. _sniff_ Jackie was gonna let us use her room. Private and all. And…I don't know after that. But it was gonna work, as long as everything went along the schedule…..I knew it would…and then he would know….and I'd know…God, I'm rambling."

Ha, I do that when I'm nervous too.

"But anyways….all to schedule or else we'd be busted, big time. So, the plan….Nick always meets me at my locker right before study hall. So, when he wasn't there….he's always there first…I wasn't too worried. I knew where to look…storage closet, kinda our hide-out."

What is it with my kids and closets? Didn't think you could inherit ideas?

"You like to hide out in closets too huh?"

"Daddy, please. I didn't get the idea on my own. Mom was telling me this story about a closet….some blue-eyed boy…hands everywhere…"

"Point taken. Guilty. So…you went to your hide out…and?"

"So I pushed the UNLOCKED door open, I called out for him…and that's when I saw…I saw them….."

I can't take much more of making her relive all of this. It's even harder to listen through the hysterical sobs.

"And when he looked up…and saw me…the look on my face must have been priceless… and then he said….he said…"

"I know, I know. It's okay." Don't make her relive it anymore. God, she's as much as victim as anyone I see on a daily basis. Only I can't arrest this loser for being an asshole.

"I'm so sorry…sorry I wanted to sleep with him at all. But most of all, I'm sorry I still love him. Why….after all he's done to me…"

Word…uh, a little help please…

"Kat. This is going to sound crazy, probably dumb, but don't be sorry you still love him. You probably always will still love him just a little. He was your first real love and, ironically enough, he stomped your heart out of your chest."

"Well, when you put it that way…"

"No, pain is part of the whole love package. Really."

"And somehow I don't think confessing this to you, really means a whole lot. Just practice."

"Sorry kiddo. I have no power there."

"I know. Still, kinda weird to say all that stuff out loud. I just wish….I don't think it's fair. It's like…Nick gets away with it, you know."

"Kathleen. You can't hide anything from God. Nick will get his in the end. He betrayed your trust and broke your heart. Probably isn't going to go over well." I hope.

"If you say so Daddy. Oh well, guess it's back to more losers for me…..that seems to be what I'm good at one, come all…play the "break Kathleen's heart for kicks" game…it's a hoot."

"Kat. You will find someone who loves you more than life itself, someday. You're too wonderful of a girl…a woman not to. But you're just seventeen, don't worry about finding him…let him find you. And if someone EVER does this to you again…"

"You'll make him…less comfortable?"

"I'll rip his windpipe out andput itaround his neck like a tie."

"Nice. Subtle."

"Thanks…oh, listen. If you don't "feel well" today and don't wanna go to school, I'll sell it to your mother. I'm sure she'd go for it."

"As much as I should take you up on that, I won't. That means they win. If I don't stand strong and hide, that makes me the victim right? And victim I am not. But thanks anyway Daddy. Love you."

"Love you too Kat."

"So….it's like almost six….and I need to get ready…and I fear that if you see what clothes are in my closet, you'll have a stroke."

"Sure….and what is in there?"

"DADDY!"

Shut the door…quickly. I'm sure I could have been struck with a flying hairbrush or something. Wow, it really is almost six o'clock…no wonder I'm tired. I'm still kinda worried about her…but, she's a Stabler, she's strong….she'll make it. Either that or she'll kick Nick so hard he'll have to have his balls surgically reinserted.

Well….back to bed…ah, Kathy. Still out. Wore her out good, I am the man….okay, now for the sneak back into bed. Geez, I see my little furnace hasn't quit working. She finds her way back to my shoulder and relaxes against me. Maybe it's her way of thanking me. But I should be thanking her…for everything. But how to say it….

Hmm, I hear diamonds are always a sure bet……


	12. Morning Routine

A/N: Sorry I haven't put up another chapter lately…but work and holiday…kinda got distracted….but here ya go…the continuing saga.

Oh…and since I haven't said it in like, forever, Dick Wolf owns the characters…but to HELL WITH HIM! LOL!

Kathy POV

Damn that alarm clock. I don't wanna leave this room, this moment, ever. I can't believe I ever considered leaving, even if it was just for a second. What the hell is wrong with me? For what…what would I leave for? All because he couldn't open up about the daily hell he endures? Well, he finally said something and boy, did he ever.

That thing…..I can't even imagine the pain that those mothers are in….having to go identify the body of their precious babies.

I'm just sorry I ever tried to push him…ironically enough, I think I was pushing so hard to get him to talk…I think I was the one pushing away, and he was just left to cling on for dear life.

Well, I hear the pitter patter of all the kids….getting ready for school…but I should make sure they don't need anything and then out of the door on time. I'll just throw something on really quick….oh, Elliot's shirt…that'll do….

God, smells like him. I love all his clothes. And especially love this shirt, definitely my favorite. I love the way it feels against my skin….and the best part, it's nothing special. Navy blue, NYPD in white letters on the sleeve, but it's his and that's all that matters.

Hmm….ah, running shorts….very nice. Good look…oh, speaking of look…my hair is _just_ fantastic. Pony tail, that'll fix it. Damn it….I will have to thank him for that lovely hickey on my neck. I feel like I'm seventeen all over again…..maybe no one will notice….

I'll close the door, let him sleep. It's gonna be a long day. Check on the kids and I've got a phone call to make…and something to dispose of.

Well, bathroom door's locked. Means Kat's primping for….whoever. It does make me glad I've got my own bathroom to hog. I just hope she's okay after this whole mess with Nick….but, she'll have to be. But it does worry me. Makes my heart ache for her. But at least she's learning now that some men are just heartless….too bad she has to learn it so young.

Ah, there's my dynamic duo…bickering about something so small no doubt….

"Nuh uh! It's a nice name."

"No way…Lizzie is at least a name you can't make a joke out of"…..

Oh what is this… "Morning."

Look at that smile….just like her father…"Morning Mommy…..did we wake you up?"

"No…not at all….alarm clock you know. So, what's the discussion about now?"

"Dickie doesn't like his name."

He looks almost mad…. "That's not what I said…I just said I would like to be called RJ…at least no one can make fun of that. And my sister seems to think that means I don't like my name."

Elliot was right about that nickname alright. But I guess we can cave to this little desire for him. "I see your point…..and I think you can be called whatever you want. RJ. That'll take some getting used to…..but if that's what you want."

Lizzie seems defeated…but something … "Mommy….where's Kat? I mean, we're gonna be late…."

The child has a point…. "I'll go get her….and uh, try and not have any major wars while I get her alright…and for God's sake…RJ, no closets today….Love you guys…."

"Love you two Mom."

In unison…since birth. Twins….such a handful, but worth it. But back to Kathleen….so much like me….kinda scary, does things on her own time, that's for sure. Too bad she actually has a schedule….

"Kathleen? Are you about done…you're gonna be late.."

She flings the door open…wow, she looks….amazing, and very upset all at the same time… "Sorry…just, got a little…I don't know."

"You know….I'm sure if, uh, you're not feeling like going to school today….I could drive the twins…then sell it up to your father…."

"Nah. I'm cool….Dad and I kinda talked last night during one of his random patrols. I was all crying and stuff….he listened. Made me feel better. I don't even really want to cry anymore. I just….it's weird. Right now, I just wanna kick Nick's ass….that's all."

He talked to her about Nick…and didn't take off to kill him. Very sneaky. "Oh, well….so, I take it this outfit is declare you're a free woman?" You're father would have a stroke if he saw this one.

"You like it? I love these pants…they're so cute….maybe you should try and wear something like this Mom. You'd look good…."

"I don't think so…I think I would be arrested."

"For looking to damn fine! Come on Mom…I bet Dad would love it….he really loves you, you know. And I guess if you two gotta have some alone time every now and again…."

"Thanks for the permission. But you'd better get going….before you father gets up and sees that outfit."

"Okay…but all I'm saying is if you want to borrow something….go right ahead…but uh, I'd pick out a nice turtle neck to hide that hickey Mom."

"Alright…go. Now."

"Geez…..love you Mom…and tell Dad we said bye and that we love him too."

"Yeah….hurry, you know traffic around here."

Still makes me a little sad to watch them leave for school. Make me feel old, too. My babies aren't babies anymore. Oh well, guess it's all part of the game. I guess it's not that bad….but, now, business.

I'm glad I hid this where there was no way Elliot would find them. I don't think I could have handled explaining it to him. I can't believe I even typed it all up….petition for dissolution of marriage….that's just so weird…just sounds awful.

Ripping it up makes me feel better about it already. At least I'll never have to look at it ever again…I mean, I know now that whatever we have to face, we can face it together.

But now, time for something a little more creative….I just hope my friendship with my boss will help me out on this one…..

"Nurse's station, this is Brianne."

"Hey Bri….it's Kathy….Christine around?"

"Yeah…one sec babe. I, uh, hope you get to feeling better…you sound terrible."

She knows…she covered for me yesterday….

"Kathy…how are you?"

"Christine…I don't know what's wrong…I just don't feel well, and I just don't think I can make it in today." Please work…please God.

"Kath….don't worry about it. Tell ya what….I'll make sure your shifts get covered for…the next few days….take care of your husband and family, and yourself okay?"

"Thanks…I really appreciate it."

"Not a problem….later sweetie."

"Later."

That was lucky. Pays for the boss to like you. Well now that I've got time…back to bed would be nice.

God….why does he snore like that….hmm, now that I think about it, he only does that when he's exhausted. Sneak back in here….so warm…oh, reset that alarm…there we go…all better.

I know he doesn't really want to see this doctor, but I know he needs it. To make himself feel better, if nothing else. Sometimes I just wish he wasn't so damn macho. I've seen the more gentle side of him….a side I think "Detective Stabler" could use more of.

I just hope I can help that gentle side stay in tact…….


	13. Deep Truths and PickUp Lines

A/N: CincyRedsAllTheWay …..I appreciate all the feedback…I'm just glad someone likes it….LOL

Elliot POV

She's no good at sneaking out. I watched her take some of my clothes, put them on and go be Mom for a little while…

So, why is it that women think they have rights to our clothes? Like they can wear anything of ours anytime they please. Maybe it's more about a matter of comfort…not a clue. Never been a woman. But….and the sexiest thing I've EVER seen is her in on my dress shirts….and nothing else.

Now that I think about it, I remember exactly….we were dropping the girls off to stay with Kathy's parents. They thought we needed a break from being parents of two, at least for one night.

So, we packed up two little suitcases and I took Maureen and Kathleen over there. It was only for twenty four hours and just a few miles away, but I still missed them. But….when I got home….Kath was waiting for me, upstairs….nothing but that shirt and a smile.

It was….amazing. But we didn't have many days or nights much like that after that. For one night off from being parents of two…we became parents of four. Always ends up like that….

And on that note, I need a shower. I smell like….her. You ever notice that sex as that distinct smell…well, it's a blend of her, me…sweat. It's pretty much a tell tale sign….that and the shit eating grin on my face.

Huh, funny….the light's not so blinding after you've been awake for a few minutes. I just hope Kathleen didn't use all the hot water….IT'S A MIRACLE! Steaming hot water….hopefully the heat some of the knots and aches disappear.

Oh yeah….that's what I'm talkin' about. Let the water pour over my head….like it's washing away all the evil things I've seen….touched….carried on my shoulders…

Lord, look at all this stuff in here. I think she owns every kind of shower gel known to man. It's just soap, but she always smells so great. Ha, I remember once she told me she loves the way I smell after I work out…that's love right there.

I think she smells best right after she puts on perfume. Then it's a blend of shampoo, body wash…perfume. I don't know what it is….but it's just…

"Kath? Did you need something…" And must you pull back that curtain…a little chilly in here.

"A shower….don't suppose I can talk you into…conserving water?"

Well, at least one part of me is saying yes….. "We do that, and we'll be late….I'm about done anyways….hand me that towel will ya?"

"Sure thing." She dropped it?….so mature Kath. "Oops."

"I can tell you're sorry….watch that water…kinda hot."

OW! Why….does she have to smack my ass so hard? "Easy there killer….god, I feel so violated."

"I can tell." Watching her get into the shower….a small pleasure in a very long day. "Hey, make sure you shave….I think I've got rug burn."

"Yes, mother. For the record, I never forget….just sometimes, I'm too tired."

As I clean the steam from the mirror…I look at myself. Everyday I seem to look older….like every case just add one more line on my face. _ha_ I look more and more like my father everyday. He took work personally too. Seemed like every victim at him up inside….I just hope that I can stop before I get that bad.

Shaving….a necessary evil. You know, most of the eastern cultures associate a clean shaven face with youth….or at least that's what Maureen keeps telling me. Hard to believe my baby girl is almost old enough to drink….damn, I'll have to start patrolling bars.

But I think my shaving obsession is the Marine in me. Facial hair is so restricted and frankly, I didn't want to screw with it. There….me….hmm, maybe Maureen is right. You know, I'm a few weeks away from 40 and it really helps me keep my boyish charm….that and maybe that tanning….oh, hello

"Hmm, how do you have such a good tan this late in the year…"

"Don't tease Kath…besides, you seem to enjoy it."

"I enjoy everything about you."

She takes the towel from my waist and wraps us in it…. "Do we really have to leave…go…"

"We can't stay in here forever…as badly as I want too….but it was a very nice thought."

Oh, that kiss. Damp bodies so close together. How, how does she still make me lose all brain function after all this time…. "I love you Kathy. Always will. More than life itself."

"I love you too, more than should be humanly possible….now, go and get dressed…before I change my mind."

Fine, fine. _sigh_ For the boring task of getting dressed….let's see….jeans….tee-shirt…oh, pull over, it's cold….Is she watching me get dressed…she is…

"What?"

"Nothing. You're just….so damn hot. I mean, don't get me wrong….you were hot when we were kids…and now, twenty years later…still damn amazing."

"Thanks. I work out." Laugh it off….feel kinda goofy to hear her say that. But as long as we're on the subject….look at what she's wearing…Holy Mary…. "But, you. Stunning. And I've seen you after four children….what, about forty pounds each time?"

"Pretty close." When did she ever wear stuff like that…she's not really that type of girl. But a push up bra….that's hot.

Stop staring…she knows. Say something… "I just don't know where you find time to work out…with work, and the kids…"

"I find time. But the muscles, my body….I do it for myself. And to be perfectly honest, I look damn good, for my age…and after four kids."

Do it, say it…she'll laugh. "Well, you must be a ticket cause you've got fine written all over you." Oh, yeah….I'm the man.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard…and yet, the most hilarious. Where on earth did you hear that?

"Liv. Some guy used it on her….she told us all about it, I think she threw a drink in his face…lucky for him, it wasn't her fist."

"I'm really glad she's your partner, really." There's that kiss again…. "Besides, I don't think you'd have it any other way."

"So, where's the rest of the show…."

"Patience is a virtue…but I do need to finish I guess."

You guess….please. Ha, she really is enjoying the fact I'm watching. And all I can say is wow….look at those jeans, her ass in those jeans….God have mercy on all the perverts that look her over, cause I'll have to personally rip out their eyeballs.

And that shirt….damn. Why does she always complain how she looks? Hmm, but why is she doing this all now….do I make her feel this way….

Alright….show's over…too bad. "Hungry?"

"Starving…kitchen…two minutes."

"Alright." A sweet little kiss….I hate to see you leave, but I love to see you walk away. Now, get it all together. Hey, this pull over kinda covers the bite marks….okay, okay. Wallet…watch…shield…hope she got everything from up here.

What….instructions for filing dissolution of marriage…she was serious.

_God forgive me for pushing her so far away. Help me to heal her heart…which I know I've broken…which I swore to never do. I ask You give her the peace and understanding to know that I just thought I was protecting her….please._

"Gotta make it right."


	14. Breakfast

A/N: Sorry haven't updated in a while……crazy week. But….because I'm cool like that….next chapter…

Elliot POV

Easy. One step at a time. Look at her…she is so beautiful. Amazing. Wrapping my arms around her….the only time I feel normal. There's that smell…it's home.

"You look so great today."

That sparkle in her eyes. Almost blinding. "Thank you." I love making her smile.

And what is she wearing. "Not that I'm complaining…..but I don't remember anything like that in the closet." 'Cause I sure as hell would have noticed that.

"Well, I kinda borrowed it."

"You have friends that wear things like that." I know all your friends…no way in hell… "Busted Kath. Give it up."

"What are you gonna do? Hold me down and tickle me until I confess, Detective?"

"If that's what it takes…."

"Oh fine. I borrow these from the collective Kathleen and Maureen closet. Come to think of it…Kat said I'd have to fight you off with a stick."

She almost looks embarrassed…but still, pretty fucking hot.

"As disturbing as the thought of MY seventeen year old daughter having things like that in her closet….I must admit….she is right about having to fight me off…so, why don't you just give up now huh?"

We're giggling…like thirteen year olds.

"Haven't you had enough? You are the most frustrating man….uh, why are we laughing?"

"Well, I think this qualifies as giggling."

"Oh….think you're right. So what do you want for breakfast….and I swear to God if you say me….I'll withhold all privileges. And you know I can."

"Damn….I'll have to think about it then." She knows me all too well.

"Protein shake then? That's been my usual for the past few months…I'd be willing to share…."

Explains the body. Wow, I really haven't been noticing these little things. "Worth a shot. What's the worst that could happened? Just one thing, can I ask when you started with this stuff?"

"You can ask anything you want to. Doesn't mean I have to answer. BUT…to avoid conflict, I'll tell you. Here, try it….you'll probably hate it."

She's right…I truly loathe health food, but I'm not getting any younger….oh, let me get that chair. Ha, chivalry isn't dead after all….

"Thanks…well…it's not going to drink itself Elliot."

_Sigh_ Fine….well, it's not THAT terrible. Could get used to it, may have to drink these more often. But uh, watching her drink hers is a bit distracting….licking off her lips… "Why do you have to be so sexy doing that?"

The look on her face tells me that I just said that out loud. "It just slipped out…." I'm blushing….lord.

"No….really. It's just funny….and really, thanks. You know, you'll get me used to all this flattery. And it will get you everywhere."

"How about into those pants?" Nah, that was intentional. I know she can't resist me….

"Dear, there's no way you could fit your ass into these pants."

"Kath…I don't think my ass would be the problem."

"Touché."

It's good just to laugh with her. Not even always touching. Just be. And as an added bonus, it relieves all the stress I'm feeling. Stop dancing around it Stabler.

"I almost screwed it all up didn't I? All over something so small….all I had to do was talk. That's all." Oh well, guess it's better to cry now…and not in front of Huang.

"Sweetheart. Do not put all the blame on yourself. You stopped talking….and I stopped asking you to. I knew you wouldn't tell me anything anyways. And I really thought loving you would be enough. But living with your shadow….was cold."

I hate seeing her like this. Heartbroken….torn….

"God, Elliot….it seemed like you kissed me like it was a habit. You said "I love you" just to be polite. And in the rare occasion you were home, you held me while we slept….like, your arm just went around me."

"Because that's where my arm DOES belong Kath. You know, I do understand what your saying…and I've felt it too. I'm sorry I made it so cold…please forgive me for not being the husband that I should have been. And forgive me for not loving you the way I should." Her skin is so soft under my lips….she knows I mean this….

"Only if you can forgive me for not being the wife you needed….forgive me for being so pushy all the time. And forgive me for not asking anymore." Her hands so soft on my hands…. "And what is with us ALWAYS confessing something to someone?"

"Interesting. What has the Church done to us….made us willing to tell anyone anything. But since we are in a confessing mood….."

"Well….I'm sure can't absolve you of anything…but shoot."

"I must confess that making love to you last night…was….I can't even describe how it made me feel. I felt…alive Kath. And after those kids yesterday, I thought…for sure that some part of my was going to die. And….I wanted it to."

She's stunned…hell, so am I…"Elliot…."

"And I know what that means. And when we were all here together…and after telling you what I saw….then you held me while I cried. You have just begun to understand what I see everyday. And as bad as I hate to admit it, all this evil was….is eating me up inside. I just wanna protect you and the kids, that's all." And that's the truth.

"But you DO protect us. Everyday. I'm not fond of what you deal with….but I'm glad that some woman or child is hurting, you're there to help them. I would be able to deal…."

"We all have our ways. I'm just happy to help them."

"So, just how many people have you comforted in those powerful and safe arms?"

Is she hitting on me…no. Stop that. "Not as many as Olivia. Those women…they're so terrified…usually, I enter the room and they freeze with fear. Sometimes the fear in their eyes is overwhelming. I usually have to leave the room before they'll even talk. But, I have gotten used to it." I really have….it's the violent shakes and panic attacks that still get to me. "I just don't know what I'd do if that woman was ever you….or Maureen….or Kathleen…."

A sad smile…."I do. You'd make sure the best people in the whole squad where on the case. And then you'd make for sure that your prosecutor gets a conviction."

"I hate it when your right…but you forgot about the part where I'd hunt that bastard down….and beat the living crap out of him….it's just assault…I'd definitely get off on extreme emotional distress."

"Elliot."

"No….I'd be so concerned about any of you. I'd never be able to leave your side."

"But what about kids….does it get any better?"

Always know the tough ones. "Yes and no. At least they don't immediately hide, sometimes I hold them. But having to listen to their stories, through their tears, never gets any easier."

"I can't imagine what would make any parent do ANYTHING to their children. If I ever hurt them….I couldn't live with myself…I would want to be locked up for the rest of my life. It would only be fair…since that child's life is ruined….."

"But you'd be amazed. Children….they are so resilient and strong. Seeing them in court, listening to testify….I know adults that can't even endure that."

"Children are remarkable I'll give you that. But just so you know…I've seen my share of those children who don't make it….I've watched them die. I've seen the pain in the parents eyes….sometimes, it still haunts me, what could have been done. So on some level, I do understand what you see. So, stop protecting me from what I already know."

"Sure. Talk and stop being overprotective…..geez, next thing you'll ask me to stop interrogating the kids." That always makes her smile.

"Nah. It's the only way to get anything from them." There's my smile. Beautiful…. "And plus, watching you grill them….kinda sexy."

Mmm, that's a nice kiss, warm…."As bad as I hate…."

"I know. We gotta go."

"Yeah." Or else I'll miss my impending torture……


	15. Commute

Elliot POV

God, I hate this damn commute. But somehow having her beside me makes it better, EXCEPT everyone keeps cutting me off!

"Does no one know how to drive?"

"Apparently they think they can. I'm glad I just have to battle with all the idiots in Queens."

"Yeah….far more stupid people in Manhattan….especially in Mid-Town….which is just where we're headed. Lucky us."

"El…I know you don't want to do this."

No shit…. "Good call."

"Here me out. It might make you feel better. Maybe he could help you learn to talk to me…"

"Hidden agenda Kath?"

"No…well…a little. I just. I just think that he might be able to make a couple of suggestions."

"Wonder if he knows anyway to make it less terrible."

"It's all terrible Elliot. Just, how to relate it better to me. So I can help."

"You shrinkin' me now?" Ha….gotta smirk at that one….

"I think that would be impossible."

Good. Mind in the same gutter as mine. I really don't wanna do this. I'm not comfortable spilling all that crap inside me….all I know to do is grab her hand and kiss it….I can't believe I almost lost her.

That ring on her finger….hmm, I wonder…"Kath…are you happy…not with me, lord knows that's a loaded question…..but with your ring?" Simple gold band, but it's still more than that….

"Elliot, a ten carat diamond wouldn't make me any more married to you. You spent what you had to get me this…and you promised your love for me. This…is all I need. Us…You….that's it."

I hold her hand even tighter…but you know, I know she deserves something nicer…a lot nicer than a gold band. To show her how much I really care. Besides, what woman would turn down a diamond ring?

And she deserves it…after all I put her through. Hmm, I've got an idea…..I just hope she'll go for it….what am I saying? Of course she will….she'll fall in love with me all over again….fresh start. Just will have to make a stop or two before we go back home…

Well, here we are…time to find out how truly crazy I am. GOOD GOD….it's too damn cold….winter's really going to suck this year. Here…let me get that door for you.

"Hey, are you sure you wanna wait…you could always…."

"I'll stay. Besides, Dr. Huang will need someone to pull you off of him."

She knows how bad I hate this. Oh well, at least it's warm in here….hey, a quick elevator, for once. What now….

"Don't look like you're headed to your own execution. It can't be that bad."

"I'm sure a lethal injection would be less painful than talking about me…my feelings. Makes me feel so…womanly."

"How about….after this….I make you feel more manly?"

OKAY! Not enough eh? But how about right now….god, all this kissing….making out in public…so great. I don't' care who sees us, I just want her, now.

"Good morning Elliot."

Oh, except him. Dr. Huang, sneaky bastard. Didn't even hear the elevator door open. Well, let's end this awkward moment, and be off. What's the look he's givin' her all about?

"_cough_ Morning. Uh, this is my wife Kathy….not sure if you two have ever met."

"We haven't, actually. Very nice to meet you Kathy. I may need to speak with you later…if that's alright."

"If it will help him. I'm all for it."

"Traitor." I give her a kiss on the forehead. "Well, let's get this over with."

"Of course, right this way."

Oh, I'm terrified what he'll ask….what I'll say. Come to think about it…I hope he asks what I did yesterday. I'll even give details.


	16. I Hate Shrinks

A/N: Scrawler……this one's for you!

Elliot POV

He looks so damn smug. Confident. And maybe a touch of concern….yeah, you know…actually, I don't feel all too comfortable sitting on this couch. Not physically I mean. He can tell I'm uncomfortable. I hate shrinks.

"Elliot….I have to say, I was glad to hear from you."

"Yeah…well…I just figured the sooner I get this over with, the sooner I get back to work." And that's the God's honest truth. "So, where do we start…." I hate when he tilts his head like that, means he's about to go to work.

"I've noticed you've been a little distracted lately. Not like you at all. And the emotional weight of this case, seem to break you. And you didn't think it was even possible."

Geez Doc, could you be anymore right? "Well it's just when I saw that girl. I couldn't stop the thought. I just saw Elizabeth there, right there, like a sudden realization that not even they're safe. I cried for those children….I prayed for their souls. And I prayed for peace for myself, to let me know….they felt no pain, that they weren't scared." Honesty is the best policy I guess. He looks shocked.

"Did that help?"

"A little. But…..there's other things only my priest can help me with."

"Your faith, seems to keep you grounded."

"I guess. I always have to question why, but I pray for that answer. And I ask for forgiveness for all the evil I wish upon those perps." It's true, and the twisted fuck who made those kids like that, deserves to burn in Hell.

He seems almost satisfied with that. Almost. "Well, anything else…like I said, something has been on your mind…."

God, leading me like some damn witness. Oh, here goes, "Kathy and I. It's been…..weird, you know."

"Weird can mean a great deal of things. Like how?"

"Like we don't even know each other anymore…or even if we knew each other to begin with. After this long…you'd think we'd pretty much have it all figured out."

"How long have you been married again….I've forgotten."

Understandable, too busy ruining my career, " Twenty years….or it will be in a couple of months."

"Well, twenty years and four children can change any relationship."

"Not like this….I don't know what it is."

"Well, your oldest child, Maureen…she turned twenty last month correct?"

"She did, yes." So do the mental math. Don't even start with me.

"And Kathleen, seventeen and the twins, Richard and Elizabeth, twelve."

"You win the prize. There a point to this?" Ha, now he looks uncomfortable.

"Point being this. It's always been about your children."

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Meaning…..your job. The NYPD is an obvious choice for someone with a military background. And you had to take classes at night to just be home to watch your kids while your wife went to work during the day….to support your family. And whatever time you two did have together, you were busy with children, no time for the two of you. And it's a lot of work to make yourself a prominent detective with SVU."

"Uh huh."

"So, while you're putting in overtime…plus regular work hours. Kathy is left to be both parents….keep you updated whenever you get home. Your kids grow up…..without you being right there. I'm sure you missed all sorts of things because of work…maybe just because you needed to sleep…"

"No way. If I'm home, I'm going….even if I haven't slept for days." Been there…too many times.

"And that's why you're a good father. And she's a good mother. You both do everything for your kids. I wish all parents did that."

"So…what's this have to do with….weird?"

"All any woman wants is to be close to her husband….physically, mentally, spiritually. Because of four children and your job, you haven't been afforded the luxury of the intimacy, at least on a deeper level. And now your children are older, you are just left with yourselves. Hence this weird feeling. I don't doubt you love her. But, I do know one thing, the details of your job aren't exactly dinner conversation."

Am I that obvious? "I've been pushing her away. All this time. Not even realizing that I even was. I just needed to protect her…." What's he even trying to say…I'm confused…

"Elliot. She's your wife. She will always be your shoulder to cry on. The one person in all of the world that can understand you. And I think you know that. But you don't want to expose her to the evil you see….so you just don't say anything in an attempt to protect her and your children. But that silence is more damaging than anything."

"You're right. But yesterday, after I went home, she….uh, came home. And it was nice I….I told her what I saw…and she only cried a little. And that nearly ripped the heart from my chest. I just think she was crying because I was."

He seems relieved, "I'm glad you could open up to her…."

"Me too. I never thought it would feel so wonderful to have her help me, calm me like she would one of our kids after a nightmare….my job is my waking nightmare." Come on, you can't blink back the tears forever….hell with it. If this is what he needs to see….

Easy there Doc. Not exactly a fan of men…touching me. Around the shoulder. Fine, I'll live. Thank God he can't tell anyone about this. I'm done.

Stop. Touching me. Thanks.

"So, how was your day…after you got home yesterday?"

Innocent question, "Well, the whole family was there for dinner. Maureen brought her new boyfriend over to be traumatized." I still despise that weasel.

"And I take it your not fond of him?"

"Clearly. He wants to be a defense attorney. Only thing lower than the perps they defend. But if that's what she wants and he makes her happy, so be it. Also, found out my son was caught kissing in a closet ,with his girlfriend." I think he knows I'm proud of that, "Not that I condone that sort of thing, but I've been there. And Kathleen, found her boyfriend, with another girl. She was…upset. But she did see them."

"Sounds like a circus."

"Yeah. But I'm the ringmaster. After dinner, Kathy and I talked. Outside, under the stars. That was nice too. She, uh, did tell me that the not knowing was getting to her…and that she had thought about leaving me. She said that if I hadn't said anything….she would have been gone."

"That's pretty big Elliot."

No shit Sherlock. "It was…I was floored. But she also said I should never hold anything back from her again….and I agreed." All night long! God, might have to do that again…and again….and again…

"Agreed? How?"

You finally asked the right question! "We made love…for the first time in almost a year. And it was FABULOUS."

"Kinda explains the elevator. If you don't mind…."

"What, you want details?" I'd almost give it up.

"Not anything that graphic. More like who was in control? Did you let her take of you?"

"Several times." Did I just say that? "But I did take charge from time to time….what does this have to do with anything?"

"This change in attitude. I thought it was something at home…."

"When it all hit the fan and I mentioned my daughter, you thought that I was working myself out of my own life. Like my mind wanted to see her so bad it put her there." Yeah, you'll get over it. I'm a detective, I put stuff together for a living.

"Exactly."

"Thanks then. I would have liked you to, uh, have done this better, but I'll take it."

"Understand that you'll still need to see me…."

"I know….say….can I ask you something…honest opinion."

"Sure."

"I asked Kathy about her wedding ring. It's just a gold band…but I asked in a round about way if she wanted a diamond ring. I think it's the least I could do….she deserves it. And I was thinking about asking her to renew our vows for our anniversary. The way it should have been, to some degree." He looks almost touched. Shit, so am I.

"I had no idea you were such a romantic."

"Sue me. I lover her more than life itself. Think it would piss her off if I bought her a gorgeous ring….remotely pricey…nice." Actually, I can almost hear her now…oh, Elliot….you didn't have to. And I can almost can see the tears in her eyes when I ask her to marry me…all over again.

"She'll be pleased…not at the ring…so much as the sentiment. The fact that your love for her is deeper now after all this time and four children….is more important to her than anything you could ever buy her."

"Yeah, well, I love her….I don't really understand the things I say and do because I love her….I just know that's how I feel."

Uh oh. I don't like that look. "Does she know this is how you feel?"

After last night, I sure hope so. "I think so. Maybe. I don't really know." I hope to God she does. "But, uh, to be honest, I'm worried for her."

"How so?"

"Because of what she knows now. And I know from now on, there's no secrets, no protecting her. I know the nightmares I have…I hate to think that I gave those to her…"

"Then you will just have to comfort her just as she has you." There's that look again, "Can I suggest something a little unorthodox?"

"It's your game, I'm just a pawn." How true that is.

"Let's ask her how the new knowledge sits with her. Furthermore, you can tell her how you feel…and stop avoiding my questions….and know for sure that she knows how you feel."

Great, he's serious. Do I have too? "If that's what you think is best…."

"I do."

Great. Just dandy. Oh well, at least I get her to stare at while he tries to shrink us both…..


	17. A Million Things

Kathy POV

Wow, have I really been sitting out here this long? Daydreaming….ha, more like reliving everything. Elliot, you are an amazing lover. And you never even notice, at least seem not to notice the glances…from every woman alive. And you're mine….all mine. Body, heart, and soul. Can't believe he's almost forty….

Which reminds me. Gift. But what to get for the man that has it all. Hmm, maybe I'll get something for myself that doubles as a gift for him. I KNOW he'd love that. OH, and make Mom is remotely okay that the twins stay there…Maureen already said Kathleen could stay with her and Jason….oh, don't mention Jason when I tell Elliot where she is.

Funny thing is, he was never big on his birthday. But the kids were definitely into it. He always loved getting things that they made for him. But, they're all too old for that. I bet they think he just got rid of it, oh little do they know he keeps all of it in a big box in the back of our closet. Sometimes I catch him looking at it every now and again. He's a great father…even if he can't always be there.

My Elliot….gives everything to everyone, hardly leaves any for himself. Always work…be a good father….be a good husband…be a good Catholic….be a good man. Never just…..be. Well, once upon a time he was. I feel in love with that…so charming…that smile that still makes my knees weak. Those eyes that still consume me and that body, just gotten better.

Is it me? Am I the reason his worry began? We both used to be so carefree….then, well, Maureen. He gave up being young to be with me, forever….

But if that were true, wouldn't he be unhappy? Wouldn't he resent it all? He loves the kids, me….us….too much to resent it. He still looks at Maureen the same way he did since she was born.

Ha, I remember how scared he looked when I told him I was pregnant. He'd deny it…but that was fear. That conversation…just like yesterday….what do we do about it…smooth, Kath…very nice. Then that look from him…and then "let's get married. I love you…and my baby. Let's do it."

Have to admit, not really the proposal I had dreamed of. Not really the ceremony either…but I still think I made the right choice. He looked scared then too. The fear when he promised himself to me forever. I know he wanted to give me more, definitely a better ring.

It's funny, but….I really like this one. Reminds me that it's not about flashy diamonds; it's about love, as it should be. Hmm, wonder why he was asking me about my ring anyways? That sneak probably is thinking about upgrading. Not that I would hate it, but its not important….I guess a few months to figure that all out….

"Kathy….would you mind joining us in here?"

Oh, did he punch you….no. Well, interesting. "Uh, sure. Why not."

Wonder what this is all about. Ah, there you are blue eyes. Wow…comfy couch, for a lumpy on…I'd prefer Elliot's lap, but I guess beside him will do. Oh, thanks for the kiss. "So, what did you need me for Dr. Huang?"

"Elliot and I have been talking about you."

"Thought my ears were burning." Holding hands…but it does feel good to fell his hand against mine. I am wondering why…..why he feels the need to support me here…

"He said that he told you what was bothering him, about this case."

His voice, so soothing…."Yes, he did. It was…terrible. And that's the kinda of thing he sees everyday. And the fact that he keeps it all to himself. I really couldn't take all the shutting out. Even though its horrific. I wouldn't give back the story."

"Did it give you nightmares…..any violent manifestation of the story anytime?"

You assume I slept. "Actually, we really didn't sleep much last night."

"I was informed."

Bad Elliot! Hope you at least gave details…."I see. But….Elliot, I told you. I'm stronger than you think. I WANT you to tell me what bothers you…..not graphic detail, but at least what is troubling you. I know Olivia sees the same thing but, I'm your shoulder to cry on. God, the stories are the least of it. I just couldn't take it. A decade. A decade you've been keeping it all in." Say it out loud Kathy. "I was going to take our kids and leave, ….Really." Small tears, that's all…

"Kath…."

"Just. Listen. _sigh_ I love you more than life itself, El. You couldn't believe the pain I'm in…because you push me away. I just can't live on the outside. More than anything…I just want you to confide in me." Deep breath, he can't here with you sobbing. "I….I thought….that you couldn't tell me because…you didn't trust me…like you used to. That you….didn't love me enough to….God, I still think you don't care like you used to."

"Baby, that's not true."

His hands trying to rub out all the pain in me, staring with my back. "Why would you? I used to be gorgeous. Four kids and twenty years….not been kind to me. I mean, I hardly ever wear make-up any more….I don't even know what to wear to make you look…our seventeen year old daughter has to help me…" God, I'm weak when it comet o you Elliot. I'm sorry.

"Kath, how….I had no idea." Just hold me and never let go. "I…don't know what to say."

"Try Elliot. Talk to her." Couching tips from the good doctor…thanks.

Wiping away my tears with those strong hands. "Honey, I've loved you since the first time I saw you. Loved you even more after we made love for the first time…and fell even deeper after each child was born. You are still amazing…and you look so damn awesome in clothes a high school kid would wear….impressive. Kathy, I couldn't imagine having any other woman in my life." Oh, a little tears… "And I wouldn't want to either."

Wow. That's….deep. I know my eyes are saying…tell me more…And those baby blues tell me that you're about to.

"_sigh_ Sweetheart, you've given me a life I could only dream of. It's not been a fairy tale by any means and Lord only knows I've not made it any easier with my hours, the caseload…I just wanted to keep you and the kids safe and give you security. You know….every time they call for me, I'm scared. Scared that the next victim could be you…or…our kids. I look at those girls…and all I can see is OUR girls. And I hate it. Those thoughts eat me up inside….my emotions make me…"

"A good cop, El. You feel for them…and maybe they need a good man to care for them after what they went through."

Dr. Huang looks surprised, "She's right. It's when you stop feeling that you should worry."

Of course I'm right. I'm a woman. "And I know you love our kids. You're a wonderful father…really. And, um…I know you love the mother of your children….I'm just not sure you love…me. Just Katherine." How could you…I'm boring.

Why did he have to pull me into his arms again? Now I won't be able to hold back the tears… and don't wipe them away…just let them fall. Your heart is breaking for me…I can hear it. "It's alright baby…I know your hurt." Just like after a nightmare…but I need more than this…his voice, so hushed…soothing… "But you're wrong, Kath. I love you. Not just the mother of my children, that's just an added bonus. I love that sparkle in your eyes when you're really onto something. The way you laugh when I say something REALLY stupid. And you're so smart Kathy. You know so much about the world…you know, brains and beauty."

"Sure. Sure I am."

"EVEN if you don't think so, it's true. But what I love most about you is your heart. You're faith…you believe that you've got to do the best with the hand your dealt. We dealt ourselves this hand….we made a decision…and here we are. I know that some part of you thinks that I only married you because of Maureen, but I think she would have come along anyway."

"That's the beauty part of being a Catholic huh…" Can't believe I buy into that….

"This isn't about OUR faith Kath. You are the only person on Earth that has me whole. I prayed for you, for the longest time….I prayed that you were the one. I prayed that…you would forgive me for placing you in a terrible position. But mostly, even now I pray that you will always be there. All of the sick, twisted stuff I see everyday, it…takes something from me. A little piece of my heart goes to the victims. The pain, makes it hard to move on. But you. You can see it…even if I can't say it. You mend the gaps left…so I can be whole again. You are my everything and I need to know that you know that."

_Sniff……_ "Elliot…everything?" Is this real….gentle kisses, kissing away the sadness.

"Yeah. Everything. Sounds a little cheesy, but it's how I feel. Just, uh, don't tell any of my friends I said that."

A little humor to make it easier. "Deal." You're such a guy.

"How could you even think that I don't love you and just you? Especially after last night…"

"Technically last night…and this morning." I'm blushing….and so are you. But still, was very nice. "It's not just sex you know." But then again, I think I might die if I didn't get laid….at least…twice a week.

"So, what IS it all about?" Dr. Huang. I see why Elliot gets so affricated now…

Tell him baby "It's about…opening the car door, not cause she needs it but because I like to make her feel special. It's about glances from across the room…or at church, when we're supposed to be praying." I love that! "And, interlacing arms, and holding hands while we pray. Watching her with my daughters…plotting against me no less." Not all the time…"Sending flowers because it's Thursday. Dancing in the kitchen for no reason at all. Taking a nap on the couch on Saturday afternoon just to be close. Watching her sleep, and taking in the blessing I have. And holding her close at night, to breathe her into me."

All of that…just for me. I'm gonna cry…again. "Elliot…that was so….awesome. And I still won't tell your friends." There's that smile…God, I love to see him happy.

Another interruption. "Kathy, what's it all about for you? Surely you must have some other insights…"

To help you get inside his head…hell yeah I do. "Well, all of those things he said and." Deep breath…try not to sob. "Reaching over and grabbing his hand while he drives, just to make him smile. Fixing him dinner, even at one o'clock in the morning, because I want to make sure he eats. Watching basketball with him, just for an excuse to stay in his arms…and falling asleep on the couch, just so he'll carry me to bed. Watching him teach our son how to be a good man and showing our daughters what a husband and father should be like." I can't help but smile through the tears.

"Sitting across the room and not having to say a word, just smile. Rubbing his tense back, because I do owe him for countless number of foot rubs, and feeling him relax instantly with my touch. The way he smells when he's been working out…and the way he smells just out of the shower. When he holds me close and even him grabbing my ass in his sleep." Yeah, that saved it…

"So, it's a million different little things that make you two love each other. Elliot?"

"Madly."

Undress me a little more with your eyes, will ya. "Deeply. And, uh, I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

Again. Wow! I wish I could hold more air in my lungs, so I could stay in this kiss longer, but I need to breathe. Hey, has it really been an hour…Elliot, you've been paroled.

"Thank you Kathy for helping. Elliot…same time Friday?"

"Sure thing."

Oh, bonus points for helping me off the couch. Thank ya….even holding hands.

"It was very nice to talk with you Kathy."

"Very nice to talk with you George." Aww, holding the door….what a gentleman, that and he wants out of here.

There, out and free, quiet walk to the elevator…."So, painless?"

"Remotely. Could have been worse. But, uh, it was good to talk. Everything out I the open…..felt good."

"I'm glad."

"You're full of it. If you're glad…then look me in the eye and say that. Can't like to me, Kath….kinda my job to separate the truth from the lies."

I hate that you're right. Hmm, some of the pain is gone, but maybe its different pain, like sad you hurt me…"I'm glad…that you know what I'm thinking. Finally."

"And I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wish you'd said something."

"You're not the only one who can shut people out, El." And that's the truth. You know that….

"If this is what being shut out feels like….I never wanna do it again."

"Makes two of us."

Elevator, took long enough…you lead me…I'll let ya. Oh, especially with that kiss. And you know, I don't care who sees. I love you….and I hope the whole world knows it.


	18. Gifts

Elliot POV

What is with us? Making out like two teenagers. Why do I feel so compelled to be this close to her? 'Cause she's beautiful and smart, and a damn fine lover. Yeah, that's it, I would take her right here, right now….if she'd let me.

"Not so fast there….Cameras…"

Damn, shut down. "Aw, come on Kath. The thought of someone watching us…better yet, bet I could get that tape, I mean, I'd have to talk the Feds out of it." Crap, ground floor Oh well, out we go.

"El, the thought of someone else watching us…"

"What's the matter? Don't want anyone to see that cute little face you make Or is it all the swearing….hey, do you confess all those awful things you say?" OWIE! Painful, but worth it.

"Oh, like you're so perfect. You sound like a mongoose in the throes of passion…and you're one to say a work about language."

Mongoose…."What the fuck is a mongoose?"

"Saw it on TV….made a weird noise…."

"Alright. Alright. I surrender."

Here, let me get that car door for ya. So beautiful…oh, I knew she couldn't resist me, but it's not nice to tease the animals. Shut the door, Stabler. Good boy. Now get in…this city, mad house, but I do love it. Now, the people, that's a different story…some real twisted bastards here.

"I was thinking…."

"Now, no good can come from that."

Good one, "Maybe I shouldn't even mention it…after that little comment. BUT, since I was in mid-thought….I was thinking, while we were in the city…maybe you'd like to do a little shopping." And then I can make a stop without you knowing…

"Elliot Richard Stabler, did you just suggest that I go and spend money?"

"Yeah. I did. And you really shouldn't turn it down…you know how rarely suggest anything like that." And it's true. Not that I'm cheap, but four kids….a house…two cars…not cheap.

"Well, I do need to buy you a birthday present."

"Kath, forget it. Just get something for something for yourself…for once." BUT I wouldn't object if you got something that would double as a gift for me.

"You're such a guy you know that?"

"Last time I checked. But I'm a good one."

"Yes, you are. And I'm lucky to have you."

That's good to know. I can't even begin to tell her how wonderful it feels to take her hand and know she'll always be there…."Thanks. For being there, even though most of the time it was pretty cold."

"A promise is a promise; and I can't even believe I considered leaving."

"This is because I bribed you isn't it?" Gotcha! I love that laugh.

"Well….maybe. Just a little."

Always can make me laugh. Even with all these idiots today! Come on….got places to be. A sizeable sum to spend! But, it's worth it.

"So, what's the plan…o' fearless leader? You comin' with me or…."

"Nah. You're a big girl, you can take care of yourself. And as long as I know where you are…and long you're going to be there…."

"Yes, DAD!" Huh, that's where the girls got that.

"I just like knowing where the most gorgeous woman in the western hemisphere is…."

"Yeah, I would too. You ever met her…she sounds nice."

Always with the self loathing…women. "Yeah, I even dated her in high school. And then, I've woken up to her face for very close to twenty years."

"Elliot."

"and that's not just lip service either."

But that is…thanks. But, uh, need to keep my eyes on the road…and find a place to park in this city. Sweet deal. Not to far a walk either. Lucky……kinda like me.

"I'm lucky to have you….and now you can start believing it."

Run. Get out…before she can deny it. Here, I'll get that door for ya. "And don't try to argue."

"I won't. So, I'll meet you back here in say….an hour?"

"Sounds perfect." A polite wave, but the look in her eyes….hmm, I miss her. But, uh, I think this hour apart will be worth it, with the look on her face. And you know something else? I haven't thought about those kids…all day.

She gives me clarity…and helps me with my peace of mind. It'll be nice to give something great back to her…for once.


	19. Little Blue Box

Elliot POV

Well, that was only mildly painful. What is it with women and Tiffany's anyways? It's just jewelry in a little blue box….but you know….the look on her face will be worth it. Better hide that box there Stabler….can't let her see it….oh, phone.

"Stabler."

"El, babe. I'm ready for you….and I sure hope you're ready for me."

"Damn Kat…not very shy today are we?"

"Not any day. But uh…..whenever you get back to the car….then we can go home. And I can show you what I bought. Think of it as an early birthday present."

Amen to that. Bye."

Hmm, now I can't wait to get home…huh, funny. Used to I would pour myself so deep into work so I wouldn't have to go home. I'd rather hear Olivia bitch at me for not calling Kathy then hear Kathy bitch at me for not calling her. Olivia…wonder if they've made any progress……

WOW, just look at her. Amazing. A shame I haven't told her that, often. And look at all those bags…..still, small ones…which equals small amounts of clothing. Why can't I just tell her how great she looks…or what I'm thinking….

"Olivia was right." Very smooth Stabler. Very nice….

"And just what made you think of her?"

Quickly, move fast. "She and I had this conversation about us…you and I that is."

"So, you'll talk to her about any issues we have but…"

"Kat. Hear me out. Liv and I work close….spend a lot of time together. She knows me just about as well as you do." She looks almost embarrassed….. "She told me once that I shut everyone out….and that if I kept it up I would ruin the best think I've ever had. And, she was right. I almost did."

"She's a smart woman. And to tell the truth, I'm glad she's you're partner. Really."

Alright, get in the car, it's freezing out here. I'm hurrying to get in too….I hate the cold. What's that look for. "What?"

"You wanna talk to her…see her, don't you? And don't even try lying to me…"

"Yeah, I would. Just to see how the case is going…and to check on her. She was pretty shaken up, like the rest of us."

"She's got no one else to make sure she's okay. Just go El….it'll be okay."

YOU….actually understand. I'm so glad…..so, I guess it's off to the 1-6.


	20. Partner

Elliot POV

Home sweet station house. I love this place….hate some of the job, but _ love_ my house. Almost feels like home, but still….kinda weird with Kathy in here. Oh, hey…quick elevators today.

"Thanks for letting me stop by. I was…"

"You don't have to say. Just checking on Olivia and the case. And I'll just wait outside." Sounds almost disappointed.

"You don't have to do that. You're welcome here…just, uh, don't get to chatty with Munch."

"Right. Conspiracy this.." I love her laugh.

Wow, really fast elevator. People look surprised to see me…hey, buddy…don't look at her like that. Uh oh….there's Dad.

"Stabler...what are you doing here? Oh, Kathy….good to see you. It's been far to long."

"Sure has."

"Cap'n. I swear I'm not here to beg to work….I just wanted to…"

"She's at her desk. Kathy, you and I can chat in my office."

Thank God Cragen didn't ask, he just knew. But I need to talk to my partner…who's apparently asleep at her desk. I'll just sit over here….and.

"Workin' hard there Liv."

She jumps…startled her I guess. Kinda funny. "Elliot! Oh my God….what are you doing here?"

"Kathy and I were just in the city and…I needed to see you. See how it was going"

"Munch and I are on the trail…we're setting up a little operation right now. It feels good….we're so close."

"Good."

"And?"

"What….I can't just stop by…"

"Nope. I know you remember. There's something else."

Damn. Sometimes I hate she knows me so well. Hmm, maybe better than Kathy does, I think.

"Let's talk….someplace not so public."

"Sure."

We walk upstairs to the Crib. Spent many a night here….just because I didn't want to go home and open up. But it's perfect…no one will bother us up here.

"So, Elliot…"

"I wanted to talk with you about what's been up with me lately. Sit."

She looks worried. She's the best partner a guy could ask for. "Okay. Shoot."

"After I was. Sent home and Kathy came home. She heard I was sent home and she got worried."

"Of course she was. She really loves you Elliot."

"I know. I know."

"Yeah…so out with it already."

"You always got my number Liv. We were talking and Kathy….said she was going to leave me. Take the kids and leave me."

She looks as shocked as I did, "My God…did she say why?"

"Yeah, she did. Because I couldn't talk about work. She said that if I wouldn't have talked to her this time, then she would have been gone. And maybe, somewhere deep down…I knew it."

"You okay…knowing?"

"Yeah…I just wanted to let you know that…you were right. You told me I would ruin the best thing in my life."

"Elliot. I know it's hard to just say what you see everyday. But you were the bigger man…you talk. What I wanna know is….how do you plan on making in up to her? All the silence for so long."

This'll get her. I pull the ring box out of my pocket. I open it and show her my little surprise….well, not exactly so little.

"Wow Stabler. Never knew you felt this way….but this is so sudden…" It's good to see her smile.

"Liv, I'm serious. I never got the chance to get her a real ring….hell, even our wedding was kinda…well, not what she wanted either."

"I'm pretty sure she got at least one thing she wanted."

"Easy there…but I appreciate the complement."

"So, when do you plan on telling her about this…rock?"

"Soon…but I want to renew our vows…for our anniversary. I know that much."

"Geez, Stabler. Getting soft on me?"

"Nah, just realized what I have that's all. Plus, truth be told…I've always been a hopeless romantic."

"Well, I'm just glad you're okay…and she's okay….speaking of, shouldn't you get back to her?"

"Yeah…before Munch shows up….."


	21. The Lead

Kathy POV

He looked so happy to see her. But I'm glad. This could put his mind at ease.

"Sorry I don't see you that often Don."

"Understandable. You've got a job, too. Not to mention the kids."

"They're hardly kids anymore. Maureen's twenty….Kathleen's seventeen…and the twins are twelve."

"I can't Maureen is almost a legal adult."

"Can hardly believe ourselves. Elliot is in screaming denial about it."

"Not to pry, but how are you and Elliot?"

Ah, the million dollar question. "I don't think you're prying; you're just checking in on your detective…."

"One of my best."

"I know. We're…okay. Just working through something right now. But…it'll get better."

"Glad to hear it. I knew he's going out of his mind sitting, not working, but I think he could really use this time off."

"Not that forced leave is something he wants."

He just nods his head. He understands this job…he knows what it can do to you. In way I never could.

"Hey Captain…we just….Oh, Kathy? Hey…it's been too long. You look great."

"Thanks John. And it has….so, how are you?"

"Oh you know, same old stuff. Catching every sick freak in the city, while still retaining my debonair style."

He's got such a great sense of humor…wonder why he can't keep a woman…maybe it's his job. And maybe he's a real jerk…who knows.

"With the work you guys do….it's a wonder any of you have your sanity."

"Don't get him started Kathy. We could be here all day."

"Actually, the department thinks we're all a little loony tunes, so from time to time they like to force us to get a head shrinking…"

"Yeah…that and they don't want to pay some of us…ALL of us the overtime."

"Elliot……Olivia…..hi."

"Hey Kath. You look great. You lose some weight?"

I hate when she calls me that…makes my skin crawl… "Yeah, I did. El, are you…"

"Yeah, babe. I'm good. We shouldn't take up any more of their time….See you guys, next week."

He leads me out of the office, through the bullpen…why is it called that anyway….but we walk right by the elevators… "Elliot…where are we going?"

"I wanna show you something…..come on."


	22. Rooftop Suprise

Kathy POV

I follow him through this door, up some stairs and out on the roof. Wow, you can see the whole city from here…

"So, what are we doing out here?"

"I wanted to share this with you. I come up here to think. Gives me perspective. Ya know. Looking down on the city. Seeing it as just lights and buildings, for once. It's really beautiful at night."

"I'm sure it is."

"When I get called in at two or three in the morning…and I've got some time before the sunrise…I come up here. To think, to pray. For the victim….I pray that God will give them…their families…peace….that Mary will grant them understanding."

Where's he going with this….

"And then, I think about you…the kids. Thank God you're all safe at home. And I also pray that we'd never have to be on the victim side…I don't think I could handle it."

"Not real sure I could either. I mean, I'm always scared on of you would end up at the hospital…"

"I know."

As I look down on the streets, I can understand the clarity up here, above it all…. "What else do you think about?"

"How lucky we are. Lucky we've got good kids. Lucky that they've got morals. Lucky I've got such a caring, loving wife, who I've put through a hell of a lot."

"And I'm lucky to have a loving, hard working husband who puts up with constant questioning."

"You wouldn't always be questioning if I could talk."

"Scary world down there. You're just doing what you can to protect us from it."

"Well, I promised you I would do that. I would take care of you, provide for you….and the kids. And I meant it."

Oh Elliot, I know. All I need to do is just lean close and he'll hold me. Just like this….which reminds me… "Hey, do you remember when we first were married, and you could only come home once a week…I hated being alone, an pregnant. And it seemed like the only thing that would stop me from feeling miserable, was you putting your arms around me."

"You know I wanted to be there more than anything."

"I know." Please don't make me cry…not now.

"You know what else Kath? I know that I haven't exactly given you the life you dreamed of. Didn't even give you the proposal you always thought you'd get either…."

"Don't be ridiculous Elliot. You've given me four beautiful children and a home….where is this all going to?"

"Still kickin' myself in the ass for starting us out backwards."

"Well, how would have you proposed…assuming of course you would have married me anyway."

"I really hate that attitude, you know. And I would have…but you know….if you don't wanna hear it…"

"Don't be such a child…I would love to hear it. Besides, you've been saving it up for nearly twenty years." He's either lost it finally…or is really up to something wonderful.

"Here goes….I may not be the smartest guy…or the richest. But I swear to you that I'll try to get you the best life possible with whatever I can make. And despite what you may think….I'm not scared of spending my life with you; it's spending it without you that really scares me."

"That's so beautiful…how could I have said no to that?"

"Ah, but wait there's more. But I got to get this right….only, you may have to help me up."

One knee and everything…why do I feel so stupid?

"Kath….you know how Mary is always seen surrounded in light….that the light was her radiance of purity, grace, and understanding…."

What the…Oh my God! That ring…

"Mary you aren't…but the same grace, purity and understand in part of you…I just wanted to help you shine a little more."

"I…it's…."

"Baby. I know I haven't always been a model husband and I've tried to be a good father. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of what was important. Us. But…even now, even twenty years later…I look at you and realize…every day I fall deeper in love with you. A real goof like me doesn't deserve you…or have your love. But I thank God every day I'm blessed with it. But what I really need to know is….Kathy, will you marry me….again?"

"Absolutely!" Look at it! Oh, there's no way I'm not going to cry. Better ease off on those kisses…. "So, when….you did this today, you sneak."

"I thought I was the detective."

"And I'm a mother. It's my job to uncover sneaky plots."

"Yeah. I confess. I sent you shopping in order to buy this ring for you."

"Tiffany's huh….very nice. But Elliot, you didn't have to."

"Yes, I did. You deserve this…all of it."

"So…..might I ask, when do we plan on this renewal?"

"I was thinking…our anniversary. You, me…this kids, friends…a ceremony you deserve."

"Elliot Stabler, you big softie."

"What can I say. I'm a hopeless romantic. Let's go….home…have a little alone time before anyone gets home."

"Ha…alone time…kinda what got us started."

Wow, this ring….the renewal….just shows how much he really cares. I just can't believe this is real….any of it. But we're here, so it is. I just wonder how it'll play out


	23. Girls Only

A/N: Time warp ahead…..

Kathy POV

_Two Months Later_

Damn….I look good in this dress. Glad I bought it., with a little help from my girls. Somehow, I almost look….younger, maybe.

"Lookin' hot Mom."

"Maureen….thanks. I try. So, what's up?"

"I just wanted to say, it's nice that you and Dad got all of us involved. Since, you know, we didn't get to be here the first time."

"At least not in person."

"Yeah, well, look. I was old enough to know what happened and what that meant years ago. And I learned to deal. And, I'm glad you two worked out whatever you needed to."

"What makes you think we needed to work something out?"

There's a familiar look. Just like her father. "Mom. Please, growing up with a cop for a father, you learn to be observant. And, uh, you can also learn to ignore the things you don't want to see."

"Well, I'm sorry if…."

"Nah. You guy's don't have it easy. Plus, in some small way. I think we had a lot to do with it."

"Oh honey…you guys…"

"No, we always NEED something from either of you. That, you know, finding time for all of us…plus jobs, plus housework….I don't see how you could find time for each other."

"Maybe that was part of the problem. When'd you get so smart huh?"

"What you mean is…when did I grow up? Right before your eyes. Look, I…..I think you and Dad really love each other. And plenty of people are married that care a lot…just not love. It would be a shame to see two people so much in love just…walk away."

"Thanks…I think. Hey…about time huh?"

"Yeah, it is."

She looks so much like Elliot…and sometimes me; its scary. You know what else is scary? That I am THIS nervous about marrying Elliot all over again. Only this time….less pressure….and more friends and family. I'm just glad. Glad I'm here….with him. Forever.


	24. Uniforms are Cool

Elliot POV

Well, I see this uniform is as uncomfortable as I hear. Glad I don't have to wear it on a daily basis. At least I didn't have to wear a penguin suit…ha, funny, last time I was here….I was wearing a different uniform.

"Hey Dad."

"Dickie….buddy…"

"R.J….."

"Sorry, hard to get used to."

"I hate getting dressed up. It's so gay."

"What does that even mean? Kinda like it's a bad thing right? Not a very nice way to describe it. And you think you hate getting dressed up? I gotta wear a uniform."

"At least a uniform is cool."

"I guess. Now, what's really bothering you?"

"Nothing. I just thought, you know, you'd want someone to talk to."

"Well, thanks. Talked to Faith today?" Oh…wow, that's a Kathy look if I ever saw one. "Sorry I asked."

"Dad. Do, uh, all women need diamonds and stuff to, you know, say that you love 'em?"

Ahh, women troubles. That's what he needs. "Sometimes, but diamonds aren't always important. It's the little stuff. Like, giving her flowers because you thought of her when you saw them….giving her your teddy bear so she'll think of you. It's not about what you spend on it, son. It's how you feel about it."

"Oh yeah? Well, then…why did you give Mom that diamond ring?"

"Persistent. Actually, when your Mom and I first got married, all I could afford was a gold band for her. But that didn't make us any more or less married. After all this time, I felt that she deserved to have such a token of my love, I mean, now that I could afford it."

"Okay…I believe you."

Eh…won't tell him that most women demand them.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Does it mean…I mean…does it make you a wuss if you like, love someone or whatever?"

"Or whatever. Look, I love your Mom and all of you guys with all my heart. Do you think I'm a wuss?"

"Nah. You're Dad…you shoot people."

"I'll take that as a no. Well, come on….time to get going."

Ah, my son….my only boy. I can only hope that I set a good example for him. On how to be a good man…a good husband…a good father. I see him with that little girl….and I can see them older….still together….maybe married. But who knows….the only thing I know for sure is…I'm in love with Kathy…now more than ever.


	25. Epilogue

A/N: This is it…the big finish…I hope it's been fun for you….I know it has been for me…..and for this, I choose another character to speak through….just to be different. Thanks for reading!

Maureen POV

Look at them. They are so in love with each other. I wanna be in love like that. So in love that you're almost stupid.

_Sigh_ Now, I feel bad. I've said "I love you" to Jason….but I don't think I'm _in_ love with him. I mean, he's great and all….but love, no way.

Awww, it's so cute to watch Mom and Dad kiss. And…kinda gross. Eww, I know what he's probably whispering in her ear right now…even while they're talking to everyone here.

Hey…is that? It is…._My Girl. _Dad used to sing that to me all the time. And he'd dance with me while he sang. Hold me in his arms and sway back and forth….and Mom would never join us; she knew it was ours….

"Dad?"

"Come on…dance with your old man huh."

"Well, they are playing our song."

Ah, it feels so good to be here. _sigh_

"So, do you remember the first time you sang this to me?"

"Oh yeah, but you won't. You were still just a baby. Your mother was exhausted…and you wouldn't stop crying…so, I just started rocking you…and singing the first thing that came to mind."

"But _My Girl_….still, kinda cheesy."

"Hey, you are MY girl…no matter what. Don't make me sing it…it'll embarrass you…"

"Bring it on old man."

Ha, I knew he couldn't resist. He's himself again….happy. And you know, even though Dad and I have had our differences over the years, this song will always be ours.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I know that I'm legally an adult…and almost legal…I want you to know….I understand that I will always be your baby girl. No matter what."

"Okay, so understand that gives me the right to hate any boyfriend you have."

"We talking about Jason….eh, it's a phase….besides, I don't think he makes me all weak in the knees…he doesn't make my heart skip or even ache when we're not together. I'm not in love with him…and I think we're pretty much over."

"Thank God."

"Daddy! That was mean!"

"Yeah…so my baby's a heartbreaker."

"Got that right. Wanna take a walk?"

"I think it'll be okay with the warden, but I'll check…..KATH!….We're gonna take a walk…we'll be right back."

She smiles and nods. Goes back to chatting with everyone.

"She really gets how much I need you huh?"

"I think so…so, uh, what's on your mind?"

"I told Mom….but I'm glad you guys decided to work it all out and even fall in love all over again. It's….sweet."

"Thanks. But I've always loved your mother. Its just not always the easiest thing in the world, marriage. Takes work….and we've been so busy with everything else, I think we kinda lost each other."

"You know…I heard you guys sometimes…..fighting…"

"Maureen….I…."

"Let me finish. I didn't tell anyone else because I knew they couldn't handle it. And I wanted to say, I'm sorry….all of us are, for being such a handful."

"Nah…that's just your jobs…to be handfuls. Just part of having kids, sweetheart."

"I know. I wanna have kids." Uh oh…..better cover that… "Well, not right now."

"Are you trying to kill me?"

"Sorry Daddy. Here….one day IF I ever find "the one," I wanna get married and have kids. _pft_ Like I can find anyone that's meant for me….all I get are the losers and perverts."

"No, I lock all of them up. Maureen, you're a beautiful girl…"

"You're just saying that because you're my Dad."

"Why do all girls say that? You all look like your mother."

"So?"

"Here, I'll show you."

What is in his wallet that he needs to show me….is that Mom?

"This…is a picture of your mother when she was about your age. I always admired her beauty…and I didn't understand what she could even see in me. She's way out of my league…"

"Eyes."

"'Scuse me?"

"Your eyes Dad. My friend Stephanie says it would be totally impossible to lie or say no to them. That's what drew Mom in….and your heart made her stay. You're a good man Elliot Stabler…"

"And you're a beautiful woman Maureen, get me?"

"Loud and clear…."

"Also, never call me by my first name."

"Not a problem…it was weird anyway."

Strange, our talks. But they always make me feel better. I just hope that the rest of our lives get easier…ew, I can't believe I told him Stephanie loves his eyes….oh, he'll harp on that forever.

"Hey Maureen?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you take everyone back to your apartment…..so your mother and I can be…alone?"

"DAD!"


End file.
